Noah's Rainbow

       Justin and I started our journey to become parents almost 3 years ago, but really the journey for me began much earlier than that. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t want to be a mother. Playing house was a big part of my childhood. I remember telling people when I was in high school and college that if I had to choose between my dream job and being a mom, I would be a mom. Motherhood to me was my number one dream job anyway. When I graduated from college in 2007 at the age of 22, I felt like I was already behind in achieving this dream. My visions of the future included meeting my husband in college, so I started wondering if my life plan was doomed to fail. In reality, this was insane; at 22, I was nowhere near ready to be a mom and if I had married any of the clowns I dated in college, my life would have taken a much different path, probably a disastrous one. But that was the first time I can remember being fearful that I might not be able to have kid...

  August 28, 2020 To my Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 14 weeks pregnant! Yesterday, I had my first appointment with the OB doctor. I was so nervous to go in there, to have the nurse put the doppler wand on my belly and search for your heartbeat. At this point in a pregnancy, you are still so little that it can take some time for them to locate it, but then I heard that pounding sound again, and just praised God over and over as the sound filled the exam room! You must be a wiggle worm, because the nurse kept having to move the wand to keep the heartbeat in range! You are still growing strong, with a heart rate of 156 beats per minute. I am so overjoyed to know that everything is safe and sound in my belly, and I cannot wait for my next appointment when I will get to see you again! My OB doctor is wonderful. She has a very soothing presence, and made me feel so comfortable about my worries. I think she is going to be a wonderful fit for your anxious mommy. I do feel my anxieties ebbing ...

  June 10, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Today, you were put in my belly. For the past 3 months, you’ve been a little snowflake, waiting for things in the world to calm down and be a bit safer for your mommy to go out to the doctor to bring you into her care. It has been an agonizing 3 months- truthfully, it has been an agonizing two and half years waiting for this moment. There have been times when I never thought I would see this day. So many things have tried to get in the way of you becoming a reality. And though this journey is far from over, today is the first step into the next step towards the future. As I write this, I do not know if I will ever see your face. I don’t know if I will hear your heartbeat, or feel you kick inside of me. I don’t know if I will hear your first cry, or see your daddy melt when he holds you for the first time. I don’t know if you will meet your grandparents or your aunts and uncle. I don’t know if your puppy brother Jackson will ever lick your face. Y...

  June 19, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Today, I had my blood drawn for the first test of my pregnancy hormones. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for for the last 9 days, but really it’s the moment I’ve been waiting for for a year and half- am I finally pregnant again? And the answer today is a resounding YES! Praise Jesus, God is good, and my sweet baby, you are still safe and sound in mommy’s belly! The first step in a long line of many, but it is a miraculous first step. Over the last 9 days, I have been wondering… are you still nuzzled in there? Are you growing? Are you healthy? Is that little twinge a sign of my womb stretching to get ready for you? Am I going to the bathroom more today? Am I more tired than usual? Are all of these indicators that this embryo is holding on? I do not doubt that I will continue to do this as the days stretch on. I am fully aware that today’s joy does not guarantee tomorrow’s. I’ve walked that road before. But today, I will not wallow in the what...

  June 26, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 5 weeks pregnant! My blood work this week has all come back good- strong hormone levels indicating my pregnancy is progressing. Thank You, Heavenly Father, for your protection of this little life! Now I get to take a break from the blood draws and rest. But this also now means that there will be a wait until the next step- an OB ultrasound with my fertility doctor. For the next two and a half weeks, I just have to pray and trust that everything is going well inside my belly, that you are safe and healthy, and growing strong.  I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared. I am. What will I see when they put that probe on my belly? Will you be there, developing at the right pace, growing strong and healthy? What will I hear? Will there be a heartbeat? So many things could go wrong between now and then, and I struggle against all the “what if” fears. I know this is a ploy of the enemy- he wants me to be afraid, he wants me to d...

  July 3, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 6 weeks pregnant! We are in the midst of a wait until my OB ultrasound in about a week, so I am mostly wondering how things are going in there with your growth. Everyday, my pregnancy symptoms intensify- I am nauseous a lot and going to the bathroom more. It is not always a picnic, but I am trying to focus on gratitude each time another wave hits. It is beyond a blessing that I am feeling this way, because it means you are in there. Hopefully, it means you are growing just as you should. So thank You, God, for each wave of nausea and each trip to the bathroom! Never let me take for granted what you have blessed me with by complaining. Let me always see the beauty in feeling lousy! My anxious thoughts about your progress never go away, but they have not gotten the better of me this week. There is constantly a nagging worry in the back of my mind that something will be amiss when I go in to see you for the first time. But God has been by...

July 10, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant! In three days, I pray that I will see you growing healthy and strong in my belly, and that I will see or hear a strong heartbeat. But I must tell you how scared I am that something has gone wrong these last 3 weeks. Having been down the road of loss before, I cannot help but let my fears creep in that we are heading for another loss. I find myself running a million steps ahead of where we are today- thinking about the look on the doctor’s face when he realizes things are not okay, imagining the grief that will sweep over me in that exam room where I’ll be alone because of the pandemic we are still living through, picturing the terrible car ride home as your daddy tries to comfort me. I feel utter terror for your two snowflake siblings- will either of them work out any better than this did? Is there any point in trying to go any further with this? Should we just let go of this dream? I picture all of this, knowing full well...

  July 13, 2020 To My Rainbow Baby, Oh sweet baby, I got to see you today!!!!!!! I got to hear your heartbeat!!!!!!! You are so perfect and I love you so so much!!!!!! You are an answer to every prayer that I have laid at God’s feet for the last 3 years! I am so thankful to Him that you are healthy and strong, that He has breathed His life into you, and that I get to be your mommy for a little bit longer. I pray that He will continue to hold You in His hands, that He will protect your little life, and that I will get to hold you in my arms. Right now, you are a tiny peanut, nuzzled in tight to mommy’s belly, but your heartbeat is strong and fast- over 156 beats per minute! I knew you were in there, but you are so real to me now, and your daddy is beaming over you, too! So many people already love you so much, and we are all so happy that God is blessing us with you. Snuggle into God’s love so tight, little one. Keep growing strong. I cannot wait to see how God has grown you again i...

July 17, 2020 To my Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant! I am still basking in the glow of seeing you and hearing your heartbeat this week. I am so joyful at this miracle God has given us, and I cannot help but imagine who you will be someday. Last week, I was overwhelmed by my fear, jumping ahead to all the worst-case scenarios that might play themselves out. This week, I find myself jumping ahead in joy instead, picturing so many things about your life that are yet to come and, again, may never happen. Are you a boy or a girl? Will you have mommy’s blue eyes, daddy’s hazels, or something all your own? What will we name you? How will we announce your impending arrival to our friends and loved ones? How will I decorate your nursery? Will I be able to have a baby shower by the time you are swelling in my belly? Who will you grow up to be? So many questions to imagine and dream about, it is hard not to get ahead of myself. First, I know that it is still very early in this pregnanc...

  July 24, 2020 To my Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 9 weeks pregnant! I am doing all I can to take care of you by taking care of myself. I’m doing my best to eat healthy, although I don’t always succeed because my nausea makes my food aversions strong. My stomach is very picky right now, preferring bland carbs like pasta and mashed potatoes. I’m struggling to eat much protein other than chicken nuggets because most meat is turning my stomach. But I’m making smoothies everyday with fruit and spinach and protein shakes to try to make sure I’m getting good, real food. The struggle is real but so worth it, little one, if it means you are still growing in my belly everyday. I will endure all the nausea in the world to keep you healthy and strong. I’m starting to feel more settled in my pregnancy. The worries have not been completely eliminated- just this morning, I was talking with God about some worries because my nausea had been nonexistent since a fairly strong bout yesterday morning. My...

  July 31, 2020 To my Rainbow Baby, Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant! I am already a quarter of the way to holding you in my arms. It has been a busy week for your mommy. On Tuesday, I met with the nurse practitioner at my new OB’s office. It was a little squirrely at first; some clerical errors led to a lot of confusion at the beginning of my appointment, but by the end, I felt really confident about the care I was already receiving. I am looking forward to meeting my doctor in a few weeks at my next appointment. Because of one of the errors that we discovered during my appointment, I had to make a quick call to the fertility clinic to get a confirmation on my due date. You are due to arrive on February 26th, 2021. It seems far away, and yet also very close. This week was also a bit chaotic for mommy’s job. As we inch closer to the start of the school year, I have been feeling anxiety about returning to my classroom while pregnant in the middle of a pandemic. My school district has b...