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June 19, 2020


To My Rainbow Baby,


Today, I had my blood drawn for the first test of my pregnancy hormones. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for for the last 9 days, but really it’s the moment I’ve been waiting for for a year and half- am I finally pregnant again? And the answer today is a resounding YES! Praise Jesus, God is good, and my sweet baby, you are still safe and sound in mommy’s belly! The first step in a long line of many, but it is a miraculous first step.


Over the last 9 days, I have been wondering… are you still nuzzled in there? Are you growing? Are you healthy? Is that little twinge a sign of my womb stretching to get ready for you? Am I going to the bathroom more today? Am I more tired than usual? Are all of these indicators that this embryo is holding on? I do not doubt that I will continue to do this as the days stretch on. I am fully aware that today’s joy does not guarantee tomorrow’s. I’ve walked that road before. But today, I will not wallow in the what-ifs of another angel baby. Today, I will rejoice that my God is good! He has created a miracle in me! He has not abandoned me nor forsaken me! At times, it was hard to feel His presence, and I still do not understand fully why all of this had to happen. But I know that God has been with me every step of the way, I have grown closer to Him and gone deeper with my faith than ever before, and all that has happened in this season is preparing me to meet you, little one. And for that, I am eternally grateful.


I am around 4 weeks pregnant right now. You are the size of a poppy seed. Already, your cells are separating into different layers that will create your skin and your internal organs. You may be tiny, but I have never loved any Earthly thing more in my life. I am already imagining all that you will be when you come into this world. Please snuggle in deep, little one. There are already so many people out here who love you so much and want to meet you.


I pray that Jesus will continue to hold your little life in His hands. I pray that he will keep you safe and help you to continue growing healthy and strong. I pray that God will watch over your mommy, allowing her to be healthy and strong, too. I pray that all the miracles of life will be orchestrated by God so that this pregnancy will stay sustainable, and that in a few weeks, we will see your little body on an ultrasound, and hear your little heartbeat. I pray for patience as I make each step of this journey, that I allow myself to walk at a steady pace and not get too far ahead of myself, though it is hard not to dream. And I pray that I will continue to glorify God in all that He has done- for this is His doing and no one else’s. Thank you, God, for this blessing! Again, I lay your little life in His hands and ask that His will be done.


I love you, little Rainbow Baby


Love, Mommy



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