Replacing Resentment with Forgiveness

 

    My first brand new post when I relaunched this blog back in the fall was about replacing anger with forbearance. I was pretty vulnerable in that piece, sharing my struggle with mom rage at times because of the overwhelming pressure I feel and load that I carry as a mom after miscarriage and infertility.

I’m going to be pretty vulnerable again today as we dive into this topic, because it’s something else that I really struggle with in motherhood, especially after experiencing loss and struggling to conceive. And the feelings I’m going to share are definitely not something I am proud of.

But here goes…

I have a huge problem with resentment.

It’s something that I’ve felt for most of my young adult and adult life, but over the last 5 years, it is something that I have battled constantly as I’ve tried to process my grief and trauma from loss and infertility. It is also something that has become exacerbated by the demands of motherhood.

Let me explain…

While struggling to conceive for nearly 3 years, I faced so many moments where people in my life got the thing I so deeply desired: a baby. They got it easily. They got it by accident. They got it without having to struggle, cry, spend thousands of dollars, or carry death in their own bodies. Just like we see in movies and on TV, they got to have a romantic moment with their husband, got to experience the surprise and joy of taking a pregnancy test, got to stay pregnant for 9 months and then welcome a beautiful child into the world without much drama other than that of normal childbirth.

I, on the other hand, got none of that. With each step into fertility treatments, I lost more and more moments of intimacy with my husband until he wasn’t even allowed in the room when I conceived my son because of a global pandemic. I found out I was pregnant after a blood draw I went to alone and was told over the phone by a nurse I didn’t even know. Most of the important people in our lives knew we were awaiting results, so we just told them we were pregnant via phone or text- and I remember even including the phrase “for now.” Then I spent 9 months in and out of anxiety, fearful that this pregnancy would end up like my first, with an angel baby in heaven.

So both during our battle with infertility and throughout my rainbow pregnancy (and even 2 years later as a mom), I could feel my resentment growing with each pregnancy I learned about, each announcement I saw on social media. Even when I was pregnant, I would feel that sting when I would find out someone else was pregnant, especially if it was soon after getting married or if I knew they hadn’t been trying long. While I could feel my miracle dancing in my belly, I felt so resentful that someone else could get something so easily that I had to claw and scratch for. Someone could easily stay pregnant while I would never know the ignorant bliss of a successful pregnancy before a loss. Even now as we discuss growing our family, I’m reminded that someone can create a baby for free so naturally while we have to find the money to afford to go to a doctor’s office to have one of our snowflake babies returned to us in the most clinical way possible.

If you are someone in my life who is sensing yourself in this story- someone who easily got pregnant, someone who hasn’t experienced a loss- please know that this in no way cancels out my joy for you. I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worst enemy, and I love you and your sweet babe(s) so much. What I’ve learned more than anything in this journey is that two things can be true at once, and for me, my joy for those people in my life always coexisted- and still sometimes coexists- with resentment.

Our anxiety in our own journey leads us to feel resentful towards others in our lives- those who don’t understand our struggle or those who we perceive have it easier than we do. Let’s be real: most of my resentments have not been rooted in fact. Sure, I have people in my life who I know for a fact didn’t struggle, didn’t face loss. But those social media announcements that always triggered resentment for me? I had no idea what went on for that person to arrive at their miracle. Unfortunately, it didn’t change the feeling that had taken root in me.

Now as I said, I still feel triggered by these feelings in motherhood, but there is an additional layer to my resentment that has joined the party since my son was born. It is a resentment that too many moms are familiar with, which is evident by some of the trends in the motherhood spheres of social media.

And that is resentment towards my husband.

It is so hard for me to not see his life as unchanged while my world has been flipped upside down. It seems as if he comes and goes so freely while my world revolves around our son. I feel as if the main portion of burden is on me- to know everything about taking care of our son, to do everything to take care of him, and to completely sacrifice myself and all the things about me so I can just be “mom” 24/7 (while working a full time job).

Is this perspective an exaggeration? Absolutely- my husband does so much to take care of our family and we would certainly be lost without him. But is it true that the lion’s share is on my shoulders? Probably. Who’s fault is it really? Well I’d be lying if I said I had no contribution to it. Because while I have a problem with resentment, I also have a problem with gatekeeping. I want my husband to just take care of things when he sees they need done, but I struggle to stop myself from telling him how to do it or that he did it “wrong.” So my issue with resentment is at least partially my own fault.

This is something I’ve been working on for a while, and it is absolutely something I will continue to work on- no, I haven’t perfected this yet, and I’m not sure that I ever will. But there’s one thing I do know: God knew this would be a struggle in my marriage, because on the day we got married, He gave my pastor a word for the sermon at our wedding that I would need to deal with this problem.

Forgive.

My pastor picks one word to base his wedding sermons one, because he knows that wedding days are such a whirlwind that most people don’t remember. So he wants the couple to have one thing they can absolutely remember from the message he shares. Our word was “forgive.”

Turns out, it’s the remedy to resentment that I need.

The first time “forgive” shows up in Scripture is at the very end of Genesis. I was sort of surprised it takes this long, but the example is such a powerful one, that it really does make perfect sense.

First, a thirty second version of the story of Joseph: Joseph was one the 12 sons of Jacob, born to Jacob’s favorite wife, Rachel. Because this favoritism was rooted in their family, the other brothers hated Joseph. It didn’t help that he was constantly telling them about dreams he had in which they were always bowing down to him. So they decided to kill Joseph, but ended up selling him into slavery instead, then went home and told Jacob he had been killed. As the years passed, Joseph was a beloved servant in Potiphar’s household, until Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph raping her. Then he ended up in prison, where he met a servant to Pharaoh. When that servant spoke positively about Joseph to Pharaoh, Pharaoh had Joseph brought to him and eventually made him second in command. Joseph basically did whatever he thought best and Pharaoh trusted him. So when famine struck the land, Joseph had already prepared storehouses to feed the people.

Re-enter Joseph’s brothers. In need of food to survive, they came to their brother, not knowing it was him, to get help. Joseph recognizes his brother immediately and ultimately reveals himself and has his entire family brought to Egypt to live with him. So when Jacob finally dies, Joseph’s brothers become fearful that Joseph might finally make good on the resentment he must feel towards them because of what they did to him. So they go to him and beg for mercy, relaying a message from their late father: “‘“This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.” Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.’ When their message came to him, Joseph wept” (Genesis 50:17 NIV).

Joseph’s response is amazing: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20 NIV). This statement indicates to me that he had already forgiven them before they asked for it. He was able to see God’s plan in even the worst situations, all caused by his jealous brothers. While their resentment led to lies and hatred, he did not allow his to take root, and so forgiveness was easy for him. Lord, that I could be like Joseph!

The Hebrew word used here has so many beautiful definitions: “bare up, take away, carry off, endure, be swept away, bear continuously, accept, pardon, spare.” When we forgive one another, we are called to endure, accept, and pardon the wrongs done to us- whether intentional or not, whether they are real or perceived by us. We are called to bear continuously our loved ones’ faults and spare them the wrath of our resentment. Does this mean we just allow people to treat us badly? Absolutely not. But there are two things to consider here. 

First, when it comes to resentment, our feelings are often rooted in things we perceive as opposed to actual wrongs done to us. Much of what I shared about my own resentment was feeling that I had allowed to take root because of jealousy and comparison, combined with lies from Satan that I started to believe about others and myself. No one had truly wronged me to cause that resentment, so forgiveness is really about me letting go of all that- something I need to do in my own heart instead of extending to someone else. 

But we can see from Joseph’s example that, even when wrongs have been done, we are called to forgive. God doesn’t insist we stay in relationship with someone, especially where there is abuse and sin taking place. But that forgiveness is necessary for us, so that those feelings of resentment don’t take root and spill into our own lives. It’s like that old adage: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” The only person it really hurts is ourselves.

Jesus shares a parable about forgiveness with his disciples that drives this point home. Peter asks him how many times he should forgive someone who is repeatedly sinning against him- he naively asks, “Seven?” Jesus’s response? “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21 NIV). Sheesh.

To explain why this is what we’re called to, Jesus tells a story about a king who is settling accounts with his servants. He discovers a man who owes him 10,000 bags of gold that couldn’t pay him back, so he orders the man, his family, and all his belongings sold to pay the debt. The man throws himself at the king’s mercy and begs for more time to pay off the debt. Instead, the king takes pity on him and cancels the huge debt.

Upon receiving such forgiveness, the man goes out and finds another servant who owes him a mere 100 silver coins, small in comparison to his own debt. This man grabs the fellow servant, choking him and demanding repayment. The servant begs the man for patience so he can pay off the debt,  but the man refuses and has him thrown in jail. When the king hears about this lack of forgiveness- the same forgiveness that was shown him by the king- he has the man sent to jail to be tortured.

Jesus finishes this parable by saying, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Genesis 21:35 NIV). Yikes.

What’s going on in this parable? Jesus is reminding the disciples the level of debt they’ve had forgiven by God. Just as the man owed an exorbitant debt to the king, we have a debt that we could never pay- sin- with God. In His mercy, He has forgiven us this debt through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. So, if we’ve been forgiven so extravagantly, should we then turn around and refuse to show our fellow man forgiveness for their small debts to us, as the man did to his fellow servant? Certainly not. This is why my pastor added to his one word during our wedding sermon: “Forgive- as you have been forgiven.” We are called to extend the forgiveness we’ve received to others, for their benefit and ours.

This Greek word also has a whole host of beautiful definitions, just like the Hebrew word we saw in Genesis: “send away, yield up, expire, let go, disregard, not to discuss now, omit, neglect, give up a debt, keep no longer, lay aside.” We can see so much in these actions, what it truly means for us to forgive one another. And the same rules apply that I mentioned before: when we replace resentment with forgiveness, we are able to release others and ourselves from these negative assumptions and find joy in working through our struggles as a team.

Because, in truth, at the root of resentment, is a need to forgive ourselves. We need to let go of whatever failure we feel that we have done something to cause our struggles. We need to let go of our jealousy and comparison. We need to let go of our need to control how those around us help and support us in our work as mothers. When we accept the forgiveness God has extended to us, we are able to forgive ourselves these shortcomings and then extend that forgiveness to others. These are the flaming arrows we need to battle Satan’s lies and uproot our resentment for good.