Replacing Pretense with Honesty

 

        One of the biggest traps of struggling with anxiety, particularly when that anxiety stems from infertility and pregnancy loss, is pretending to be fine.

Of all the “taboo” topics in our society today, mental health and troubles having a baby seem to be two of the biggest. The world around us has set us up to push through life feigning a sunshiney attitude when we are struggling with these issues.

While mental health awareness is everywhere these days, most people are still one hundred percent uncomfortable talking about their personal struggles with anxiety, depression, and other mental health diagnoses. I’ve shared numerous times that I was ashamed of needing to go on medication to help my own anxiety, and that I kept it a secret for a while because I believed it showed me and my faith to be weak. Most people see therapy as a last-ditch effort; something must be really, really wrong if we need to talk to someone about our problems. So many people suffer their mental health struggle in silence, which leads to dangerous and sometimes permanent actions as a means to cope with the struggle or end the suffering. Recently, one of my favorite personalities, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, took his own life at 40 years old. The life he portrayed on social media and in his work as a dancer and producer of “the Ellen Show” was joyful, positive, and fun. He had a beautiful wife and three children. He was successful and inspirational. And yet, behind closed doors, he was suffering. The pressure from society to pretend everything was wonderful in his life led to more struggles and a talented life taken too soon.

If mental health awareness is everywhere even when no one will talk about their own, then infertility and pregnancy loss are the family black sheep that everyone would rather stay hidden away. When you experience a miscarriage and share it with other women, odds are you’re going to find out numerous people in your circle have experienced one, too. That’s exactly what happened to me. And the number one response? “Oh, it’s so common!” Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it isn’t traumatic, doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause grief. We shouldn’t just be brushing these losses aside because they’re “common.” This is why too many women suffer this grief in silence, because they don’t think they have a right to lament something so “common.”

And then there’s the silence of infertility. So many women are carrying the pain of struggling to conceive around month after month while the people around them ask, “when are you having a baby?”, “when are you going to give him a sibling?” But it seems no one wants to hear how hard it is for some women to have a baby. They want to celebrate your positive pregnancy test. They want to come to your baby shower. They want to snuggle your newborn. They want to talk about how all they have to do is “look” at their husband to get pregnant. I think this is why, when someone says they are struggling, the typical responses are, “Oh, just relax!” “Have a glass of wine first.” “You can have mine!” These awkward answers are people’s way of diffusing the tension and sadness that have become a part of conversations about infertility. They think making a joke will make it more palatable, when really what women in those trenches need is just comfort and support. So most of us walk that journey in silence so we don’t have to hear other people’s attempts to sugar coat our struggle.

 When you add all of this together, it makes navigating the mental health struggles of infertility and loss so challenging that it seems like the better of the two options is to just pretend we’re fine. But when we’re not addressing these serious concerns in our lives, we open ourselves up to them getting a whole lot worse, and put ourselves at risk for some dangerous and permanent consequences.

What we need is permission to be honest. And while we might not be ready to be honest with the people in our lives- and maybe some of those people haven’t given us permission to do so because they can’t handle it- we can one hundred percent be honest with God. He gives us permission to be honest because, not only can He handle it, He wants to handle it.

I struggled a little in my studying of the use of the word “honest” in Scripture because I was looking for it to be used in a specific way and I didn’t find many examples that were applicable. Most of the passages discussed honesty in terms of not lying or being deceitful towards others, and what I was looking for was being honest with ourselves (and others) about how we truly feel. The first time I found a picture like this in Scripture was in Genesis 42 and 43.

This is near the end of the story of Joseph and his brother, after Joseph has been living in Egypt and working for Pharaoh for quite some time. A famine is impacting the area, but thanks to Joseph’s work in prior years, Egypt is not affected by it. When his father Jacob hears that there is food in Egypt, Jacob sends Joseph’s brothers to get some food for their families, keeping the youngest brother Benjamin behind.

When the brothers arrive before Joseph, they do not recognize him, but he recognizes them. He pretends not to, though, and instead accuses them of being spies. They defend themselves, saying, “We are all the sons of one man. Your servants are honest men, not spies” (Genesis 42:11 NIV). 

Now, at first glance, it seems that these brothers are actually being very dishonest, since we know what they did to Joseph when they were younger. If you don’t remember from the last time we were in Joseph’s story, they had planned to kill him out of jealousy, but decided to sell him into slavery instead, and then lied and told their father he was killed by wild animals. Definitely not the picture of honesty.

It seems that Joseph is thinking the same thing, so he decides to test them to see if they’ve changed. He tells them to send one brother home to bring Benjamin back with them, and all the rest will stay in jail. When they discuss it among themselves, they say, “Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that’s why this distress has come on us” (Genesis 42:21 NIV). They do not think that Joseph can understand their conversation, but he hears this and knows that a change of heart has occurred about what they did to him when they were younger. Furthermore, they are being honest about the devastation they caused.

The rest of Joseph’s plan plays out over the course of several years: Joseph ends up sending them all back, returning their money to them that they used to buy the food. This terrifies the brothers even more. When they arrive home, Jacob will not let them go back with Benjamin for fear of losing him like he lost Joseph. Eventually, they need more food, so the brothers return with Benjamin in tow. Joseph has a feast prepared for them but does not tell them why they are being invited to his home, so in fear, they beg Joseph’s steward to help them and confess how they discovered their money returned to them. The steward responds, “It’s all right,” he said. “Don’t be afraid. Your God, the God of your father, has given you treasure in your sacks; I received your silver” (Genesis 43:23 NIV). They then feast happily with Joseph, still oblivious to the fact that he’s their brother.

 I see parallels between the results of the brothers’ honesty about what they had done to Joseph and their honesty about the money, and our honesty with ourselves and God. When Joseph saw that his brothers were honest about what they had done and the impact of it, he rewarded them handsomely by returning their money to them. At first, they didn’t see this as a reward but as further punishment! But when they were honest about that, they were further rewarded with an amazing feast (not to mention the forgiveness that will come from Joseph at the end of the book of Genesis).

When we are honest about how we feel about our circumstances, there is usually a rush of emotions- if you’re anything like me, it looks like sobbing, gasping for air, puffy red eyes, shouting, groaning, and the silent treatment. This may not seem like a treasure- in fact, it feels pretty miserable in the moment. But the thing is, we have to let all those emotions out! We have to feel what we’re feeling so that we can process it and then come to terms with the journey God has us on. If we don’t tell Him we’re sad, mad, overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, whatever, we won’t be able to work through all of it with Him. But God wants us to rest assured that this is a treasure He’s given us! He can handle all of our emotions, and our ability to express them is the first step to healing. That’s when we get to feast with Him freely, taking in all He has to show us about ourselves and Him, so that we can come out on the other side stronger.

    And here’s the thing about being honest with God instead of pretending we’re fine. We cultivate the soil of our hearts to keep His word and bring forth fruit. This is evident in the Parable of the Sower told by Jesus in Luke 8. This just so happens to be my favorite parable. If you are unfamiliar, Jesus tells a story to the people about a farmer who is scattering seed. The seed falls in various places, all impacting how well that seed takes root and grows into something to be harvested. The seed that falls on the path is trampled under foot or eaten by birds. The seed that falls on rocks cannot establish strong roots and withers. The seed that falls among thorns is choked by the other plants. And the seed that falls on good soil yields a crop greater than what was sown.

When the disciples ask Jesus what this parable means, He explains that the seeds are the Word of God, and each location that seed was planted is how that person hears and holds onto His Word. For the seed planted in good soil, He says it represents “honest, good-hearted people who hear God’s word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest” (Luke 8:15 NLT).

The benefits of honesty in this way are two-fold. When we are honest with God, we are able to process our emotions and move towards healing, growing strong in our relationship with Him and, in turn, our faith. This then clears those hard emotions from our hearts so that we are prepared to receive God’s Word as a seed planted there. We are able to care for that seed so that it can take root and flourish, and then we can harvest the fruit of His Word into our lives. And one of the fruits of that harvest? The ability to continue coming to God in honesty and starting this process all over again. It becomes an on-going cycle that rejuvenates the soil for the next planting and the next harvest.

The word for “honest” that is used in the NLT means, “beautiful, admirable, genuine, praiseworthy, wholesome, good conscience, affecting the mind.” That last one in particular is so crucial. This is hard work. This is uncomfortable. This is painful. And yet it is beautiful and worthy of praise and will have a huge impact on not only our hearts but our minds as we move forward in this life. Because this will not be the last struggle we face. So the more we do this work, the easier this work will be the next time we cross this bridge.

In his second letter to the Corinthians, Paul said, “We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this” (2 Corinthians 4:2b). When it comes down to it, denying our feelings and pretending we’re fine is distorting the Word of God. We often do this because we have a warped view of who God is: it’s sinful to show Him our anger, He’ll be upset with us if we can’t muster up a good attitude, or He just can’t handle this level of trauma. But all of those go against what Scripture says: our God is big enough to handle anything and He loves us enough to handle all of us.

So don’t deny your true feelings. Don’t hide them away. Bring them all to God and let Him wrap you in that love and walk with you on the path to healing. And when you are ready, you can bring this level of honesty to the people you trust. They, too, can handle all your big feelings if they love you and support you.