-

 

June 26, 2020


To My Rainbow Baby,


Today, I am 5 weeks pregnant! My blood work this week has all come back good- strong hormone levels indicating my pregnancy is progressing. Thank You, Heavenly Father, for your protection of this little life! Now I get to take a break from the blood draws and rest. But this also now means that there will be a wait until the next step- an OB ultrasound with my fertility doctor. For the next two and a half weeks, I just have to pray and trust that everything is going well inside my belly, that you are safe and healthy, and growing strong. 


I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared. I am. What will I see when they put that probe on my belly? Will you be there, developing at the right pace, growing strong and healthy? What will I hear? Will there be a heartbeat? So many things could go wrong between now and then, and I struggle against all the “what if” fears. I know this is a ploy of the enemy- he wants me to be afraid, he wants me to doubt the goodness of God, he wants me to put my trust in anyone, anything but Jesus. For years, he has schemed against me with infertility, and now that this scheme is failing, he’s hoping my grief over my angel baby will get him a victory.


But I will not let him win. I will not let him steal my joy over this miracle that God has given us! I will continue to trust the goodness of my God and believe that, however this plan turns out, it will bring Him all the glory He deserves. I will not hide in fear. This week, I took a “week 5” bump picture. Of course, there’s no bump yet. At 5 weeks, you are the size of a peppercorn. You look a little like a tadpole, but you are already on your way to having a brain, spinal cord, heart, and blood vessels. When I told your daddy I needed him to take the picture, he said, “Maybe we should wait a little bit.” We both know that in a few weeks, those pictures could be memories of another angel baby. But I said NO. I will not let anything steal this joy from us. I will celebrate your life inside of my right now, and I will trust God to protect you so that someday, we will see a bump and feel you moving and growing.


I pray that Jesus will continue to protect you as you grow and develop. I pray that each week, you progress in size and that the building blocks of life form just where they are meant to be. I pray that God will continue orchestrating this miracle of life, so that you and I will stay healthy and strong for a sustainable pregnancy. I pray that we will see you and hear your heartbeat in 18 days, and that we will have another milestone check up to celebrate the beginnings of your life. I pray that God gives your mommy patience for the wait, that He gives her strength to endure the temptations of doubt and fear, and that He continues to show her His goodness each day as she continues trusting His plan. I pray that each step of this journey will continue to glorify Him, that I will be able to share it wisely to help others on their journey, and even bring women from all over the world to His kingdom. Thank You, Jesus, for all that You have given me this week. Keep this little life in Your hands once again and let Your will be done.


 I love you, little Rainbow Baby


Love, Mommy



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Replacing Pretense with Honesty

-
Image
            One of the biggest traps of struggling with anxiety, particularly when that anxiety stems from infertility and pregnancy loss, is pretending to be fine . Of all the “taboo” topics in our society today, mental health and troubles having a baby seem to be two of the biggest. The world around us has set us up to push through life feigning a sunshiney attitude when we are struggling with these issues. While mental health awareness is everywhere these days, most people are still one hundred percent uncomfortable talking about their personal struggles with anxiety, depression, and other mental health diagnoses. I’ve shared numerous times that I was ashamed of needing to go on medication to help my own anxiety, and that I kept it a secret for a while because I believed it showed me and my faith to be weak. Most people see therapy as a last-ditch effort; something must be really, really wrong if we need to talk to someone about our problems. So many people suffer their mental h
Read more

Replacing Resentment with Forgiveness

-
Image
       My first brand new post when I relaunched this blog back in the fall was about replacing anger with forbearance. I was pretty vulnerable in that piece, sharing my struggle with mom rage at times because of the overwhelming pressure I feel and load that I carry as a mom after miscarriage and infertility. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable again today as we dive into this topic, because it’s something else that I really struggle with in motherhood, especially after experiencing loss and struggling to conceive. And the feelings I’m going to share are definitely not something I am proud of. But here goes… I have a huge problem with resentment. It’s something that I’ve felt for most of my young adult and adult life, but over the last 5 years, it is something that I have battled constantly as I’ve tried to process my grief and trauma from loss and infertility. It is also something that has become exacerbated by the demands of motherhood. Let me explain… While struggling to
Read more

Replacing Burden with Equipping

-
Image
  When I started this journey to share my struggle with pregnancy after loss and infertility, I had some conversations with friends that had also had similar experiences. The thing about loss and infertility is that, while no one talks about it, it’s a pretty big club, so naturally I had quite a few friends who had experienced loss, infertility or both.  During one such conversation, a friend of mine shared some feelings that I never knew I had experienced myself: Why was I given this trial? Why infertility? What is this supposed to teach me? Why are you calling me to IVF? Why do others get this so easily when it’s hard for me? I don’t want to carry this burden. Why me? While so many of these questions had bounced around in my head over and over again throughout the years, I had never framed my thinking in this way. My friend had seen her struggle with infertility as a calling from God, and her questions were focused on why God was asking her to specifically walk thi
Read more