To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant! I am already a quarter of the way to holding you in my arms. It has been a busy week for your mommy. On Tuesday, I met with the nurse practitioner at my new OB’s office. It was a little squirrely at first; some clerical errors led to a lot of confusion at the beginning of my appointment, but by the end, I felt really confident about the care I was already receiving. I am looking forward to meeting my doctor in a few weeks at my next appointment. Because of one of the errors that we discovered during my appointment, I had to make a quick call to the fertility clinic to get a confirmation on my due date. You are due to arrive on February 26th, 2021. It seems far away, and yet also very close.
This week was also a bit chaotic for mommy’s job. As we inch closer to the start of the school year, I have been feeling anxiety about returning to my classroom while pregnant in the middle of a pandemic. My school district has been releasing a lot of information for families and staff, and has been in the process of scheduling students and teachers to either return to school in a hybrid format that mixes in-person and virtual classes, or a digital format that is all virtual. Because of pregnancy being on the high risk list from the CDC, I requested to teach in the digital format, but there are no guarantees that’s where I’ll be assigned if the numbers do not require it. I am still waiting on final word for my 2020-2021 schedule, but this week the county announced their recommendation that all schools start 100% virtual, and so mommy’s school district has decided to follow this recommendation. At least for the first month, I can sleep a little easier knowing that I will not be putting myself or you at risk in this pandemic.
This weekend, I am attending the She Speaks conference presented by Proverbs 31. It is a conference to help women find their ministry in speaking and writing. I have been looking forward to this for the last month because I have felt God pressing on my heart to share my journey with you to help other mommies through pregnancy after sending an angel baby to be with the Lord. However, I had no idea how God would light a fire in me through these messages! I feel God’s call now more than ever that this is the message He wants me to share, that this is a message that is needed but has not yet been met. The Holy Spirit has moved in me so much already and I still have another session tonight and a whole day tomorrow!
This calling is also helping my confidence as we move each day through this pregnancy. Although nothing is guaranteed and God’s plan is sovereign over all that I may desire, I do not feel that God would so strongly call me to this ministry if He was not going to guard this pregnancy. This message can only be shared if I can journey with you, little Rainbow Baby, to the end of this season and finally hold you in my arms. So I am entrusting all of this to God: your life, this pregnancy, and all my ideas and plans for the ministry He is calling me to. I am certain that, if this is His plan for me, He will guide it, guard it, and equip me to do it.
Today, you are the size of a strawberry. I wonder if you look like a strawberry too- I have a smoothie everyday, and strawberries are always in it! You have officially graduated from embryo to fetus. You’re starting to kick and squirm like crazy, though I can’t feel it yet, and you even have muscle control to make a fist! Your mommy still has lots of nausea and is going to the bathroom all the time. My pants are getting tighter too, so it might be time for a little online shopping! As the summer winds down, and my work schedule starts to pick up, I am trying to stick to the habits I’ve developed during my break: daily walks with your puppy brother, Jackson; yoga to relax my body and mind; quiet time with God to stay rooted in His Word during this season… things that will keep the joy of this miracle at the forefront of my heart and the anxiety at bay. I pray that God will continue to allow you to grow healthy and strong, that He will protect your life, and that He will ease the emotional and physical strain my body experiences with each change that comes. I pray that He will protect me physically and mentally as I return to work, that I will continue to find time to rest and destress as this crazy school year begins. I pray that He will continue to make His calling for me loud and clear, and that He will keep His purpose at the forefront of my heart, so that I do not become distracted by the selfish desires that may creep into my work. I want to do all He has called me to do for women who are on this amazing and terrifying journey, and not for any gain or notoriety for myself. I place all of this- your life, my career, His calling for me- into His hands and ask that He do His will with it all.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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