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June 10, 2020


To My Rainbow Baby,


Today, you were put in my belly. For the past 3 months, you’ve been a little snowflake, waiting for things in the world to calm down and be a bit safer for your mommy to go out to the doctor to bring you into her care. It has been an agonizing 3 months- truthfully, it has been an agonizing two and half years waiting for this moment. There have been times when I never thought I would see this day. So many things have tried to get in the way of you becoming a reality. And though this journey is far from over, today is the first step into the next step towards the future.


As I write this, I do not know if I will ever see your face. I don’t know if I will hear your heartbeat, or feel you kick inside of me. I don’t know if I will hear your first cry, or see your daddy melt when he holds you for the first time. I don’t know if you will meet your grandparents or your aunts and uncle. I don’t know if your puppy brother Jackson will ever lick your face. You are in my belly today, but there are no guarantees you will be there tomorrow, or that the blood tests will be positive next week, or that a heartbeat will be found next month. My angel baby in heaven has shown me how fleeting this could all be.


But right now, you ARE in my belly, and that makes me your mommy. Forever. And I will love you as much when I die as I do in this moment right now, where your life is just beginning to grow. That will not change, no matter what happens in the next day, or week, or month, or lifetime.


I pray that Jesus guards your little life. I pray that He holds you in his hands, keeps you safe, and helps you to grow into a strong baby boy or girl. I pray that in a week and a half, my blood tests will indicate that you have nuzzled into my womb and are ready to become my son or daughter. I pray that in a few weeks, we will be blessed with the miracle of hearing your heart beat for the first time. As the months go by, I pray we will feel you kick and move and stretch inside my body, that I will crave the silliest foods during my pregnancy, and that in 9 months, you will barrel your way into the world and bring God so much glory through the miracles He has given us. I pray that Jesus will comfort me and give me peace, as I anxiously await each step of news about your journey into my arms.


But if none of this comes to pass, if you join your angel sibling in heaven before you breathe a breath on this earth, I have to trust that God has placed you in my belly at this moment for the good of His plan, whether I understand it or not. I beg of God that He will allow me to see your face, kiss your cheek, and hold you in my arms for a lifetime as your mother. So I lay your little life in His hands and ask that His will be done.


I love you, little Rainbow Baby


Love, Mommy



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