July 17, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant! I am still basking in the glow of seeing you and hearing your heartbeat this week. I am so joyful at this miracle God has given us, and I cannot help but imagine who you will be someday. Last week, I was overwhelmed by my fear, jumping ahead to all the worst-case scenarios that might play themselves out. This week, I find myself jumping ahead in joy instead, picturing so many things about your life that are yet to come and, again, may never happen. Are you a boy or a girl? Will you have mommy’s blue eyes, daddy’s hazels, or something all your own? What will we name you? How will we announce your impending arrival to our friends and loved ones? How will I decorate your nursery? Will I be able to have a baby shower by the time you are swelling in my belly? Who will you grow up to be? So many questions to imagine and dream about, it is hard not to get ahead of myself.
First, I know that it is still very early in this pregnancy. I know that there is still a possibility that things may not continue to progress as they have up to this point. I know that it is realistic that you many never grow to be a baby that takes a breath in this world. But I do not want those fears, which are still real in my mind, to squelch my joy at the very realness of you in my belly. As my hormones continue to swell and increase my nausea, I pray that God is continuing to grow you, making you healthy and strong, and I believe that He will sustain this pregnancy and bring you into this world in 7 months.
Second, even if everything goes perfectly with this pregnancy, 7 months is still a long way to go, and I need to make sure that I don’t run too far ahead of God with my dreaming and planning. All of these things that I keep imagining will come to fruition in His time and His way. My Lane of Roses devotion today was all about how God has planted these desires and dreams in my heart- not just my dream for a baby, but my dreams for what your life will be like when you are finally here. When God’s purposes in His plan can be fulfilled, then He will allow these dreams to be answered, and He will do so all for the glory and furthering of His Kingdom. HE knows the answers to all these things, and He will light my path one step at a time until we reach His perfect timing. All I need to do is trust and take one step at a time with Him.
So in 7 months, you may be a fully developed little person, but right now you are the size of a raspberry. You are growing a millimeter a day! Your eyes are continuing to darken, although your eyelids will stay shut for a while. You are even developing taste buds on your tongue and your arm and leg paddles have webbed fingers and toes! I pray that God will continue to hold you in His hands, helping you to grow each day, and that He’ll provide your mommy with comfort from all the symptoms she’s experiencing. Keep it in the forefront of my heart how much the current struggle will be worth it when I get to hold you in my arms. I also pray that He will keep me grounded in His truth and His plan, holding on to His hand to walk along this journey with Him instead of running ahead. I continue to place your life in His hands and ask that His will be done in us.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby
Love, Mommy
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