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July 10, 2020


To My Rainbow Baby,


Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant! In three days, I pray that I will see you growing healthy and strong in my belly, and that I will see or hear a strong heartbeat. But I must tell you how scared I am that something has gone wrong these last 3 weeks. Having been down the road of loss before, I cannot help but let my fears creep in that we are heading for another loss. I find myself running a million steps ahead of where we are today- thinking about the look on the doctor’s face when he realizes things are not okay, imagining the grief that will sweep over me in that exam room where I’ll be alone because of the pandemic we are still living through, picturing the terrible car ride home as your daddy tries to comfort me. I feel utter terror for your two snowflake siblings- will either of them work out any better than this did? Is there any point in trying to go any further with this? Should we just let go of this dream? I picture all of this, knowing full well it might not happen- even knowing that the odds are in my favor that it won’t happen. But I know it is a realistic possibility, and the odds were not in my favor before.


When I feel these anxious thoughts start to spiral in me, I turn my focus to God as best as I can. I’m successful a lot, but truth be told, it does not always end in a shift in perspective. But when I succeed, I replace these fears- which are from the enemy- with the truth I know about my Father. He is GOOD. He is for me- and you. He wants only the best for me. He knows what I need. He will provide everything for me to accomplish His mission. He will prosper me. He will give me a future. What I must do is shift this desire from my own grasp into His capable hands. Somedays, I only need to do that once or twice. Other days, I must let it go minute by minute. Though it may feel like I need to be a mommy to survive, I know that I do not. It is a strong desire in my heart, but the only thing I need is salvation from Jesus. So I must trust God with this desire, and believe that He will fulfill it in His time and His way.


Oh, but how I pray that He will fulfill this desire with YOU, sweet baby. You are now the size of a blueberry. Still so tiny! Your arm buds look like little paddles now and they are starting to develop joints. You are growing 100 new brain cells every minute and your heart is getting more complex. You are even growing a permanent set of kidneys. You truly are a miracle, even as small as you are, and I long for the moment I get to see you. I pray that God is helping you to develop just as you should be up to this point, and that we will soon know that you are healthy and whole.


I pray that God will continue to calm my anxious heart, that He will give me peace and joy for the moment He has me in right now, and that He will help me focus to just take one step at a time as He lights my path. I pray that He will grant me comfort for my pregnancy symptoms that continue to intensify, especially my nausea, and remind me that it will all be worth it in the end. I pray that He will protect your tiny life and allow you to continue to develop, and that when we see you on Monday, all will be well. I now place your little life into His hand yet again, and I ask that His will be done in both of our lives.


I love you, Little Rainbow Baby


Love, Mommy



 

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