Replacing Fear with Peace
I’ve been planning this piece since the end of 2020. Around Christmas time, I decided that my word for 2021 was going to be “peace.” I had a few reasons for this decision. First, I had spent much of the past 3 years feeling very NOT peaceful, as we battled infertility, faced pregnancy loss, and generally felt very uncertain about the future of our family. Second, while 2020 was a year of excitement and celebration for us with the success of our IVF and planning for the arrival of our Rainbow Baby, the rest of life was mostly chaos in the midst of a global pandemic, racial injustice, and political turmoil. Third, I was already well aware that beginning our first chapter of parenthood was going to be super challenging, so I would need every ounce of peace that I could get.
So in preparation for this to be my focus for the year, I determined that I would write my first blog post of 2021 about the topic of peace and therefore launch the year with an in depth study of this word that I would definitely need access to. With the best intentions, I did several devotions that focused on peace in my Bible app on my phone. I jotted down verses that really spoke to me and my past experiences of needing peace. I used Blue Letter Bible to peruse all the verses in Scripture where the word “peace” is found, making a list of verses to dig into deeper.
And then our little Rainbow Baby made his debut two weeks early. Nothing says “peaceful” like rolling out of bed at 8:45pm to pee one last time before you go to sleep and having your water break. God really does have a sense of humor.
So my notes sat on my desk for 6 months, as I spent many sleepless nights up with my newborn, as I navigated breastfeeding struggles, as I wept upon my return to work, and as I settled into my long-awaited arrival into motherhood. There were many days where peace was severely lacking, but more days than not, I was at such peace in my new role. My heart swelled with gratitude every time I looked at my son, and I was in awe of the little miracle God had blessed us with. Even on the days when he fought sleep, fussed and cried for no reason at all, or completely covered both of us with spit up from dawn until dusk, I felt God’s peace upon my heart, replacing all the fears that I struggled with through my infertility, loss and even pregnancy.
The thing about pregnancy after loss and infertility that many people outside of the sisterhood don’t understand is that it doesn’t erase the grief of the struggle you experienced. It is only exacerbated by the fear that you will experience that loss and struggle again. When we found out that I was pregnant with Henry, we didn’t have the explosion of joy that we were going to have a baby. We were cautiously optimistic- thankful that God had allowed our embryo to stick, fearful that it might not continue to stick, and praying continuously that God would keep the pregnancy viable. Once you go through a loss, you realize that not every positive pregnancy test means you’ll add a baby to your family, so those fears lurk in the background of subsequent pregnancies from day one. And when you face that fear after a long battle with infertility, you know that if something goes wrong, you will likely be faced with another long wait for your miracle, if you even get one at all. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you when they finally, fully subside, because on this side of heaven, loss is always possible- even once you have your baby in your arms.
Now, 18 months into motherhood, I still have many days where God’s peace is ruling in my heart. But the more my little guy grows and goes out into the world- and away from me- the more that fear has creeped back in. Any time he takes a tumble while he’s playing or bumps his head during a fall, I have a silent moment of panic where I wonder, “Is this it? Is this where the tragic ending occurs?” Because I have never known pregnancy before loss, that old habit has refused to die, and it’s on these days where I have to work extra hard to find God’s peace.
So how do I do that? How did I get to a place of feeling God’s peace surround me during motherhood? How did I manage not to become a total basket case during my pregnancy? Well first, let me remove any false beliefs from your mind- I didn’t really. I didn’t have a totally zen pregnancy, and I definitely am not a totally zen mommy, either. I’ve had to ask God for peace daily since the moment I got the phone call that my bloodwork was positive. But I will say that my dive into studying peace in Scripture has helped me put those prayers into better context, and I’m looking towards the rest of Henry’s second year confident that God’s truth will help me deliberately access His peace more successfully on a daily basis. Goodness knows, my need for peace hasn’t ended!
The first appearance of the word “peace” in Scripture is in Genesis 15, the story of God first promising Abraham (then called Abrahm) a son. As a warrior of infertility and IVF, the fact that this is the first mention of peace really feels like a wink from God.
Right off the bat in verse 1, God commands Abraham not to be afraid- to which Abraham responds, “But…” (verse 2). Despite the fact that God is speaking directly to him, promising to be his shield- protection- Abraham is still afraid! Specifically, he’s afraid because he has no heir, so this is where God promises to bless Abraham with a son. Verse 6 tells us that “[Abraham] believed.” Seems so simple, doesn’t it? Until he speaks to God again in verse 7 and says, “But…” Now, not only is God promising protection, but He directly addresses Abraham’s fear of being childless, and despite his belief, Abraham is still afraid. If you’ve ever felt like you don’t measure up to the great characters of Scripture who seem to have infinite amounts of faith, I hope this helps you feel better. Waking up everyday and asking God to help you in your fears is something He’s clearly used to.
In response to Abraham’s second bout of fear, God tells Abraham to prepare for a covenant by gathering livestock to be sacrificed, and then puts him into a deep sleep. When God speaks again, He says, “Know for certain…” (verse 13) before promising Abraham that his descendants will go to the Promised Land while he returns to his ancestors in peace (verse 15). And then God makes the covenant with Abraham- all while he’s still asleep.
What does Abraham do here to get peace? NOTHING. He’s dead asleep! God is the one doing all the work- declaring His promises over Abraham with certainty and then sealing the covenant without a single reciprocation from Abraham. The fact that Abraham is just a passive recipient of the peace and the covenant sets up the ultimate delivery of peace through covenant that is coming later.
You may have heard that the Old Testament contains many “shadows” of things to come in the New Testament with the arrival of Jesus. This covenant and promise of peace is just one of those shadows. In Isaiah 9:6, the birth of Christ is prophesied, naming Jesus the Prince of Peace and establishing that His peace will have no end. The word used for peace here is the same one used in Genesis 15:15. The Hebrew means “completeness, soundness, safety, welfare, health, prosperity, quiet, tranquility, contentment, rest.” Whether it is navigating a loss, waiting for God to answer prayers, or needing the chaos of life to slow down, this is the kind of peace we desire, and the kind of peace that Jesus provides endlessly. While Abraham was able to see only a shadow of this while he lived, Jesus shows his disciples the real deal during His ministry.
In Mark 4, Jesus famously calms a storm while He is in a boat out to sea with his disciples. It always strikes me that Jesus is asleep in the boat while the storm is raging around them, his disciples terrified for their lives. They wake him up, demanding, “Don’t you care?” (verse 38.) Isn’t that how we feel when the storms of life are raging around us? We are terrified for our lives and the lives of our loved ones, and we look up at God and demand, “Don’t you care what’s happening here?”
But Jesus doesn’t just give peace- He IS peace. That’s why He’s able to sleep so soundly in the bow of the boat while the winds whip and the waves crash. He knows what is coming, so He has no need to fear. Once the disciples wake Him, He calms the storms by shouting, “Peace! Be still!” (verse 39, KJV). Immediately, the storm vanishes, and Jesus turns to His disciples and asks, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (verse 40). Ouch.
The disciples had been following Jesus for some time at this point, and had seen miracle after miracle proving that Jesus was capable of amazing things. It’s the same for us. When I look back on my life, I see nothing but evidence of the storms that Jesus has calmed, the times He has saved my life and those I love (mostly figuratively, thank goodness). Every time we look at God and ask Him if He cares, we are showing a lack of faith, especially when He’s proved it so many times before. Our memories are what can strengthen our faith and thereby give us the peace of Jesus to calm the next storm.
The Greek that Jesus uses in this verse means, “involuntary stillness.” The winds and waves had no choice but to obey His command. It is not as simple for us- we are human and prone to fear, no matter how good we are at remembering God’s faithfulness. That’s why Jesus says in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” The word He uses here has quite a few meanings, but here’s what stood out to me: “the Messiah’s peace, tranquil state of soul assured its salvation.” Jesus literally gives us His peace, whose root is our salvation. If we believe that Jesus died for our sins so that we can have eternal life with Him, then any earthly storm we might face is no match for us. We have the peace of Jesus living in our hearts forever.
The world will try to give us all manner of things to help us find peace. I’ve certainly tried them: yoga, meditation, self-help books, burning incense, diffusing essential oils, listening to relaxing music. There’s certainly nothing wrong with any of these things, but they’re also not going to give us the peace we’re truly looking for. Only Jesus can give us that. So by all means, do some yoga and diffuse some lavender if you like- just make sure you’re meditating on the truth of Scripture while you do so if you want peace that will last forever.
So what does that even mean- meditate on the truth of Scripture? Well, for me, there’s a simple prescription in Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Let’s break it down. In order not to be anxious- or fearful- we should pray with thanksgiving. Use your memory and thank God for all the ways He’s been faithful in the past. These are things you know to be true about Him. Then ask God for what you need. Remembering what He has done before will help you believe He will do it again. The combination of these two actions on your part will bring you His peace (the same word is used here!) to guard your heart from fear! If this is hard to believe, you’re right! This type of peace is beyond our human comprehension! We cannot understand it, and yet it will be there in our hearts. Galatians 5:22 lists peace as one of the fruits of the Spirit- that’s how all of this is possible. Jesus gives us His peace through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us because of our salvation- which is the root of the very peace we seek.
Just like fear can trap us in a vicious cycle, if we turn our attention to the peace of Jesus, it will be a never ending cycle of fruitfulness. So we have a choice: let our anxieties fuel our fears so that we are constantly imagining our worst tragedies will happen over and over, or trade fear for peace by constantly remembering how faithful He has been and trusting He will be again. There are abundant blessings in store if we choose the latter.
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