Replacing Offense with Meekness

 

    It’s our last week looking at how our anxiety in pregnancy and motherhood after loss and infertility can impact our relationships. And I’ll be honest, despite talking about some pretty vulnerable things over the last month, this is the topic I’m looking forward to the least. Just the sight of that word “meekness” in the title of this piece makes me recoil. How about you?

Here’s the thing I’ve been thinking about as I’ve prepped and studied for this piece: our society, our culture, is incredibly repelled by meekness. We are bombarded with messages in books, TV shows, movies, and social media posts about how we need to be strong, need to be assertive, need to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs. And you can’t do this by being meek.

Now, I absolutely believe there is a time and place for being strong, assertive, and standing up for ourselves and our beliefs. And I believe that Scripture supports this one hundred percent. But there is also a time and place for being meek, and that is not something society embraces.

Just take a quick scroll on your social media and head to the comments and you’ll see what I mean. The posts of many of the mom influencers that I love are full of comments that are anything but meek. People will literally find ANYTHING to be offended about and they will let you know. People are angry if you promote using formula. People are angry if you promote breastfeeding. People are angry if you promote responding to your child at night. People are angry if you promote sleep training. People are angry if you promote only Montessori toys. People are angry if you promote plastic toys that make noise and have lights. You literally cannot win out there because someone will always be offended by what you are supporting.

There are certainly things happening in this world that we should take offense to and we should stand up against. But we have reached a point where we take offense when someone simply disagrees with us. We believe their disagreement is a personal affront to us and our values. We are unable to accept the fact that, sometimes, other people choose to parent differently, and that no one is wrong in the choices they make for what’s best for their family.

  I have noticed this to also be true in the loss and infertility community. I fully support the idea that people need to not be so thoughtless in asking people questions about when they’re having a baby, if they’re going to give their child a sibling, and other things like that. Regardless of the unknown circumstances a couple may be going through, it’s just not anyone else’s business! When people ask these types of questions, they are essentially asking, “are you and your husband having lots of unprotected sex?” Ew. Not. Your. Business.

But when facing loss and infertility, these questions and comments can really trigger some deep emotions in us. We may have been trying for years without a single positive pregnancy test. We may have suffered multiple losses without a living child to hold. These are the types of comments that can have us sobbing in our cars all the way home from a gathering. So I definitely believe, as a society, we need to just stop asking these questions.

But there were times in my struggle with loss and infertility when I was truly offended that someone asked me these types of questions. And my typical response was not very kind. I always had the goal of putting that person in their place and making them feel uncomfortable for asking such a question so they wouldn’t do it again. I was certainly not responding with meekness.

Does someone who asks these invasive questions deserve that? I don’t know. I’m sure some people in the loss and infertility community would say yes. But I know that God would say no. The problem is, anxiety causes us to easily take offense from someone else’s actions or words, assigning them a negative meaning even if that was not what was intended. Our fragile feelings magnify the hurtful meaning. I’m fairly certain that the people who’ve asked me those questions in the past meant no ill will towards me. They did not intend for me to cry all the way home. They were just curious about our plans for having kids. And while this doesn’t mean they have the right to ask such a personal question, it also doesn’t give me the right to lash out at them. We can convey the message that these questions are insensitive without being harsh with others.

So how do we approach others with a spirit of meekness when we’re feeling offended? As usual, the first mention of “meek” in Scripture is a clear picture of what God asks from us when we are faced with these types of conflict.

The book of Numbers tells the story of the Israelites as they are in the wilderness before they enter the Promised Land. In Exodus, Moses led them out of Egypt to the Promised Land, but when they spied out the land, they were afraid of being defeated by the people who lived there. Since they disobeyed God’s direction to take the land and didn’t trust that He would make them victorious, their consequence was to wander in the wilderness for 40 years before they could enter the Promised Land.

During this time, the people continued their habits of distrusting and disobeying God, even Aaron and Miriam. Aaron was Moses’s brother and was assigned as the head priest of the people by God. Miriam was Moses’s sister and was a prophetess. So in Numbers 12, when they choose to oppose Moses because God has also spoken to them, they’re not wrong. They don’t understand why Moses gets to be the leader of the people when they have all been given words from God. The story makes sure to tell us that God hears this grumbling.

At this point, the story is interrupted to tell us, “(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)” (Numbers 12:3 KJV). Why is this important? I think God wants us to know that Moses’s response in this situation is a representation of this personality trait.

But what is it that Moses does in response to the offense Aaron and Miriam have perceived? Nothing.

The next thing that happens is that God calls all three of them out of the tent of meeting, comes down as a pillar of cloud, and then calls Aaron and Miriam forward. Then He chews them out! He reminds them that Moses is more than a prophet, that he has met God face-to-face so they should be afraid of speaking against him. In short, God is MAD.

Here’s the first thing I’m learning about meekness from this story. When people are grumbling against us, when we feel offended by their words or actions, we’re called to do nothing and let God handle it. God hears the grumbling Aaron and Miriam are doing and wastes no time interceding for Moses here. He does the same for us. We do not always have to take it upon ourselves to confront those who we feel have offended us. We can let some things go to God. Especially when we’re scrolling social media! *wink*

Then God applies a consequence to Miriam for being so bold in opposing Moses. When He leaves, Miriam’s skin has become leperous. Aaron turns to Moses and begs him to do something. So Moses prays to God to heal her. God’s response is to tell Moses to put Miriam outside of the camp for seven days, and directs them to stay in this location until she can be brought back in.

The second thing this shows me about meekness? When given the opportunity to put someone in their place for their offenses, we should choose mercy instead. When Aaron begged Moses for help, he had the ability- and maybe even the right- to say “No.” He could have let the consequences run their course and ignored Aaron’s pleas. But he didn’t. He interceded to God for relief for Miriam, and God provided the method for her recovery. This is our second example of what it truly means to let some offenses go to God. He promises to exact the judgment required of all offenses, so we don’t have to make it our job to handle them.

It does seem like the benefits of meekness only apply to the person who is on the receiving end of this spirit in us. So you may be asking “what’s in it for me?” Believe me, I’ve been there- remember those conversations I told you about when I let another person have it for asking me an insensitive question? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a warped sense of glee at seeing the awkwardness of the other person when I harshly responded to their thoughtlessness. In the moment, I felt certain that this was necessary to “teach that person the lesson” they needed of why you shouldn’t ask someone those questions. Their shock and discomfort would help them learn to never ask a question like that again. But looking back, I know that that lesson can just as easily be taught without being unkind, and in truth, that lesson will probably be better learned if it’s presented with meekness.

Jesus teaches in one of His most famous sermons why it benefits us to approach others with meekness. The Sermon on the Mount begins in Matthew 5 with the Beatitudes. This section of His sermon shares many attributes that God’s people will be blessed for, and the list can feel surprising at times. Jesus makes statements like, “blessed are the poor in spirit,” “blessed are those who mourn” and “blessed are the persecuted.” Nothing that we would consider a blessing.

In the week I am writing this, I have had the Beatitudes placed before me two other times in addition to my own personal study for this piece. My pastor preached about it this past Sunday, and I also listened to a year-old podcast episode from Kelly Minter’s Cultivate on this passage. So God was making sure I really keyed into Jesus’s statement about meekness from this sermon. Here’s what He says: “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV).

When I looked up the definition of the Greek word used here, the definition was pretty straightforward: “mildness of disposition, gentleness of spirit.” But there was a paragraph underneath this definition on Blue Letter Bible labeled, “Additional Information from the Outline of Biblical Usage” that I had never seen before in all the words I’ve explored in my studies. What I gleaned from this section was eye-opening.

This word has two lenses: meekness towards God and meekness towards evil. In this word, meekness towards God means accepting His dealings with us as good and wholly relying on God instead of ourselves. Meekness towards evil means knowing God is permitting injuries that happen to us, using them to purify us, and He will ultimately deliver us from them.

Woah. If you thought meekness was weakness, think again. This demeanor takes some serious strength to live out. That is why we will be blessed for abiding it; we become heirs to God’s kingdom when we live our lives in this way.

Replacing offense with meekness allows us to approach others with a gentle spirit so that we can embrace the joy in seeing the best in others. God doesn’t want us living in such a way that we think everyone is out to hurt us; He wants us united in a community that supports one another. So when we can let go of the fragility that leaves us easily offended, and give those circumstances over to God, we can find the strength from Him to be meek with others, and in so doing, the whole kingdom of God benefits.