Replacing Defensiveness with Confession

    We’re really getting into relationships this month, and similar to last week, I’m going to do my best not to hold back today. I’m a firm believer that, if I’m vulnerable about my struggles with things like anger and resentment, I will help someone else know they are not alone in that same struggle. So I’m gonna lay my cards on the table again today in solidarity of the struggles of motherhood.

I do not like being told that I am in the wrong. I have a major tendency to get defensive when I’m confronted about something I said or did that was not seen in the best light. I think it is in our nature as humans to justify our actions. Most of us don’t purposely say things to hurt someone else, or do things to cause a conflict with the people in our lives. We usually have reasons for why we made the choice to do what we did and say what we said. The problem becomes when those reasons attempt to mask our own contributions to a conflict.

In last week’s post, I admitted that I struggle with gatekeeping when seeking help from my husband in all the things that are required as parents. I’m constantly telling my husband that I’m overwhelmed physically and mentally- there are so many things that need done to take care of our son and even more things to remember and mentally keep track of. I want him to be in charge of the physical and mental load of certain tasks, and he’s usually more than willing to step up to the plate- until I try to micromanage how he handles that task.

For example, a few weeks ago, when I was getting ready to head back to work after Winter Break, I had to take a sick day last minute because my mom, who watches our son, was sick and couldn’t keep him for the day. About halfway through that day home, I started to feel lousy, too, to the point that I went to bed at 7. I left my alarm set for school the next morning so I could see how I felt after a long night’s sleep, and planned to determine in the morning if I was going to go to work.

When my alarm went off at 5:20 the next morning, I felt totally fine, so I got in the shower and started to get ready. When my husband got up at 6, he asked what I was doing and I looked confused and said, “Getting ready for work?” He was shocked that I was planning to go in after how badly I had felt the night before. And then he told me that, after I had gone to bed, he had called my parents and told them that I probably wasn’t going to work the following day and so they wouldn’t need to keep our son since he was arranging his work schedule to stay home with us both.

I immediately went into gatekeeping mode, asking him why he had done that without asking me my plan. Instead of hearing that he had made sure someone was available to watch our son, I started stressing about who was gonna watch him for the day since my parents weren’t planning to take him. Because my husband had not handled things the way I wanted it done, I immediately thought that everything was falling apart.

That’s when my husband called me out. He told me that when I gatekeep like this, it makes him feel like he can’t do anything right, which leads to him not wanting to step in and help on his own for fear of upsetting me that he did it wrong. So even though I am asking him to just handle things without needing me to tell him what to do and how to do it, my actions are actually impeding him from doing what I’m asking for.

When he first confronted me with this information, I got defensive. I felt justified in wanting to be included in the decision of how to handle our son’s care for the day. It seemed like a reasonable request for my husband to ask me what my plans were for the following day in order to determine how to handle things. So I defended myself. Usually this leads to my husband shutting down in the conversation because he doesn’t feel like he’s being heard- and rightly so. But thankfully, on this morning, he persisted, reminding me that I had asked him to “just handle” things without needing my guidance, and he didn’t feel the best choice was waking me up when I had been so sick. He (probably correctly) assumed I would’ve been upset with him for waking me up instead of just taking care of it himself.

I’m not proud to say that we went around this discussion a few times because I refused to drop my defensiveness. I did eventually acknowledge that my husband was right- not only was my gatekeeping affecting his confidence to handle things within our family, but my defensiveness was making matters worse because it was keeping me in this state of justifying that behavior. 

Anxiety can cause us to feel defensive about our own actions, leading us to justify our behavior because of the struggles we’ve faced or are currently dealing with- even when we’re in the wrong. When confronted by my husband, it took me way too long to get to the place that God asks us to go when we are in conflicts like this with those we care about: confession.

Let’s face it: more often than not, we are not innocent in the conflicts we experience with those around us. All parties involved typically contribute something to cause disagreements, and the sooner we can acknowledge our own contribution to the problem, the sooner we can navigate to a solution. So it’s time to drop the defensiveness and lean into confession.

It might not be very surprising that the first time “confess” appears in Scripture is in the book of Leviticus. You know? That book with all the rules? Chapter 4 and half of chapter 5 falls under the header of “Sin Offering.” This section details what is required of the Israelites when they commit a sin. God’s law establishes that if they commit a sin that they’re not aware of but then they realize their guilt, “...they must confess in what way they have sinned” (Leviticus 5:5b NIV). This seems a very fitting verse in the discussion of defensiveness as we’ve already established that we don’t usually see our sin immediately when we’re defensive, since we feel our behavior is justified.

The Hebrew word used here has lots of definitions, such as, “throw down, cast down, throw away, cast out.” But the one that jumped out at me was “wringing hands.” This paints such a picture of what it (should) look like when we’re confessing our wrongs to someone we’re in conflict with. There shouldn’t be this grudging admission of our actions where we still don’t truly believe we’re in the wrong. There should be a desperate need to admit we are wrong in our attempt to seek forgiveness and repair in our relationships. When we see the error of our ways, we should be quick to admit it and open to conversations that will lead to reconciliation.

James’s epistle expresses a similar sentiment and also adds some additional guidelines for what to do and why: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16 NIV). It’s not just confessing that is going to help us reconcile our relationships when conflict has caused things to go haywire. It’s continuing to pray for one another through the conflict that is going to allow things to be fully healed. Two humans trying to reconcile things on their own can only go so far, even when we humble ourselves to confession. But when we pray, we bring God into the equation. That’s why prayer is as powerful as James says.

There’s a second step to this process though, that connects to what James says here. He encourages us to pray for one another so that our relationships can be restored. But there’s a second thing we need to add to those prayers to complete the process of confession, and that is confessing our missteps to God. David knows all about the need for this- he had many missteps as God’s chosen king of Israel, including taking someone else’s wife and then having that man killed when his wife became pregnant by David. When Samuel confronted him about his behavior, instead of getting defensive and justifying what he had done, he immediately admitted his faults. In Psalm 32:5, he says, “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin” (NIV). While it is important and wonderful to confess to each other in order to repair relationships, we can’t stop there. We need to continue with these confessions and take them to God and seek His forgiveness as well. When we sin against each other, we sin against Him. When we try to justify our actions to each other, we try to justify it to Him, too. So if we need to confess this to each other, we must confess it to Him. This is how we preserve our hearts from continuing in this cycle of defensiveness.

John warns us that, “If we claim we have not sinned, we make [God] out to be a liar and his word is not in us” (1 John 1:10 NIV), so we must be careful to not skip this step. When we are obedient to His desire- “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (verse 9 NIV). That purification from all unrighteousness includes helping us let go of our instinct for defensiveness. This will help us in communicating better with those we care about, and will eliminate our need for constant repairs.

The Greek word John uses here means, “agree with, assent, concede, not to deny, declare openly, admit one’s guilt, speak out freely.” This is what God asks of us: to agree with Him that we have sinned, to concede that we are in the wrong, to not deny that we need His forgiveness and the forgiveness of others, to speak out freely in seeking repair in all our relationships- including with Him. We can no longer hide behind our defensiveness and justifications. If we want to have relationships that flourish instead of crumble, we have to acknowledge where we’ve contributed to the struggle.

It may not feel like today’s discussion was very focused on the struggle of pregnancy and motherhood after infertility and loss, but rather a more universal struggle that anyone could experience. And while I genuinely believe that is true for all the things I’ve discussed, I do also want to hit on how this is intensified in our particular struggle. Because as uncomfortable as it is for me to admit, I sometimes think I have a subconscious tendency to feel more defensive and more justified because of my battle with loss and infertility. It’s as if my brain is saying, “Remember what I went through? Remember all the crappy things that happened to me? I deserve to act like this. I deserve to get my way for once.” Even typing that is making me queasy. Now, I certainly am not acting with this motive at the forefront of my mind- that would be egregious. But I do wonder if it’s something that is simmering under the surface, something that I don’t even realize is happening- something that I deeply need God’s purification for.

When we replace defensiveness with confession, we are able to take ownership of our actions, words, and thoughts- even thoughts like the ones I just admitted to. We can repair our relationships, with others and with God. This will return us to a state of joy with those in our lives.

It goes against every instinct we have as humans- preserve yourself, defense yourself. But when we have harmony with God and harmony with others, we will find harmony in our souls as well, and that will lead to a healthy cycle in all of our relationships. Amen to that.