January 1, 2021
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 32 weeks pregnant! It is the first day of 2021, the year that you will make your appearance and join this family on the outside! How have we gotten here so fast?! How are you only 2 months away from making your debut?! This story has been 3 years in the making, and while it seemed like an eternity in the moment, it has now flown by so fast. There’s still so much to do before you get here, but I am so ready for you to finally be in my arms.
As most people do, I’ve been reflecting on the past year and everything that has happened in our lives. Most people were ready for 2020 to come to a close, because it mostly was a dumpster fire of a year. This pandemic has really just been one of many things about this year that has made it so awful, and it feels like the whole planet is ready for a clean slate. This has truly been a challenging year for me at work. All of the things that have been thrown at me to try and manage as we teach in the middle of a pandemic have been overwhelming and exhausted. The same people who were singing the praises of teachers in the spring for keeping schools going are not vilifying us and calling us lazy because we want to make sure our students, our families, and our own lives are all kept safe in the middle of all this. I have never worked harder, never put in more hours, never given more of myself to my students than I have this year, which makes it that much harder to endure as people who have no clue what it’s like to teach through this sling around hateful words about teachers. I have never questioned my career choice before, but there are days that I do now, which is hard. But amidst all of that, I know that I have pushed and challenged myself, stepped out of my comfort zone, and done all I can to take care of the kids in my classes, and I am a better teacher for it. So while I am ready for things to go back to normal- which who knows when that will happen?!- I will not soon forget the lessons this year has taught me.
Most people won’t look in the rearview mirror as we head into 2021. They want to forget 2020 ever happened. First of all, that’s just plain silly- this is going to be one of those years that all of humankind will remember forever, and everyone will hopefully have something they can say they took away from this experience. Second of all, there’s no magic switch that will put everything to right today, so we’re going to be carrying 2020 with us for quite some time to come. But for me, I will always look back at 2020 as a year that challenged me, that frustrated me, that pushed me to my limit, but that gave us the greatest gift we have received in our marriage- and that is you, sweet one. Through all of the ups and downs of this year, God gave us you. So there is no possible way I could look back at this year with anything other than joy and gratitude at all God has walked us through to get to the year that you will finally be born. And I’m convinced that everything He has asked me to endure during this pandemic is just preparing me to let go and let Him handle everything as I get ready to step into motherhood. Letting go of my schedule has been a hard task this year, but if there’s one place where a schedule is totally laughable, it’s when you are raising kids! God knows what He’s doing as He’s preparing me for those days.
Right now, you are the size of a squash. You are measuring over 16.5 inches and weighing 3 ¾ pounds. There’s a good chance you’ve flipped head down in there, and we’ll be finding out for sure at my OB appointment next week. You are sleeping a lot- around 90-95% of the time- but you are still squirming away, which always brings a smile to your mommy’s face. Your digestive system is completely functioning, and you are practicing sucking so that you can be fed once you are born! Your bones are hardening each week so that you’ll be prepared when the time comes to be born. Your skin is also changing, developing more fat so that it will become opaque in the coming weeks. I’m looking forward to seeing you one last time at my appointment next week! I can’t wait to see how you’ve grown and developed since the last time I laid eyes on you. Knowing that, after that appointment, I won’t see you again until you are outside my belly, is kind of crazy! I want you to stay in there and grow as long as possible, but I am very much anticipating that moment.
As we embark on a new year, I pray that God will continue to keep you safe and prepare you for life out here in the world. It’s big and scary- especially right now- and I want to do all I can to keep you safe. So I pray that He will give me the peace and patience to protect you without making myself crazy, and that He will give me the strength I will need to begin this journey into motherhood. I pray that He is preparing Justin’s heart too- your daddy is still struggling a bit from that health episode he had in the fall, and I’m worried about how the end of this pregnancy and impending fatherhood are impacting him. So I pray that God will help ease Justin’s anxieties and allow him to experience some joy and excitement before you finally arrive. I ask that God take all of this into His capable hands and do His will.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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