December 25, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant! It is also Christmas, and we have just arrived home from spending a wonderful day celebrating with your Gammaw and Pup-Pup Heilmann. We got to see your Uncle John and Aunt Denise on the computer, too. Tomorrow, we’ll head to Pennsylvania to see your Grandma and Grandpa Miller and Aunt Ashley. Those will be our only celebration this year. We’re skipping our big gatherings with Pup-Pup’s family and Grandma Miller’s family because things are still not safe for get-togethers of that size. It has seemed somewhat strange so far, not to be travelling so much and seeing all those people. I have never spent a Christmas in Ohio in all of my life. But I’m also relishing the quiet and slow-down this year, not having to feel like we’re running ourselves ragged to see everyone in a few short days. It has allowed me to pause and cherish this Christmas being pregnant with you. There’s so much to celebrate despite this yucky year, and so much to anticipate as we approach 2021. You received your first batch of Christmas presents today, even though you are still in my tummy. So many people love you already and can’t wait to meet you, and this Christmas has felt so sweet because of that, even though we had to miss out on so many other things.
I can’t help but think about what next Christmas will be like, with you here! You will be 10 months by then. You won’t be so big that you totally understand all the magic of this season, but you also won’t be so little that you are oblivious to what is going on. I can’t wait to hear your laughter over opening gifts, to see you smile at all the family you will (hopefully) see. I wonder if you’ll dance to the music and if the lights will bring a twinkle to your eyes. Your daddy and I shared this last Christmas just the two of us last night, exchanging gifts and watching movies. Next year, it will be much more chaotic, but so much more joyful too. I’m already anticipating the excitement of the season as a mom, seeing my child experience the wonder of Christmas for the first time.
I am also feeling a sense of bittersweetness tonight, though. As much as I am thinking about you and all that will be in Christmases of the future, I can’t help but wonder about what would have been this Christmas if your angel sibling had not gone to heaven to be with Jesus. This would be our second Christmas with that sweet babe, and at close to 2 years olds, there would have been quite the sense of magic to this season. I wonder if you’d have a brother or a sister, what sorts of toys he or she would have been receiving. I imagine dancing around the tree and the lights twinkling in our eyes. I can almost feel the exhaustion of so much preparation for Christmas as a mom, but also the excitement and joy over sharing my favorite season with my child. Amidst all this gratitude and happiness over the miracle we have in you is still a little space where my first baby will always be, and so that grief mixes in with all the rest and leaves me feeling happy and sad all at once.
This is what Jesus came to do for us- to allow us to experience His joy even in the midst of our sorrows. His grace is there to show us that every part of His plan is beautiful and necessary in order for Him to give us the very best of what He has planned. So while I will always grieve the loss of your angel sibling, I can simultaneously rejoice over the blessing of you, my sweet one. I can feel sad for what could have been and yet look forward to- with glee- the years to come as your momma. All of this gets wrapped together to remind me that, without the pain of life we would not recognize the miracles. That is the essence of the coming of Jesus- the joy of the birth of our Messiah as a precious babe tethered to the future of a horrible death on the cross, both for the salvation of all mankind. Just as Mary treasured all of this in her heart when she looked at that little baby in the manger, I will cherish this Christmas for the rest of my life, while still anticipating many magical celebrations in years to come.
Today, you are as big as a bundle of asparagus. You are just over 16 inches long and weight just over 3 pounds. All five of your senses are now fully developed! You are practicing a lot of skills for life outside my belly: breathing, swallowing, hiccuping and pedaling your feet. Your neck now has full range of motion, so you can turn it from side to side. Your irises now react to light and I’m again wondering what color eyes you will have once the pigment settles. I pray that as we continue to celebrate Christmas over the next few days and inch closer to the New Year, that God will help me to pause and savor the memories of this time. I pray that He will give me peace over these final months of pregnancy, and that I will have strength to finish all the things that need to be prepared for our arrival. I pray that you continue to grow strong and healthy each day, that you keep twirling and wiggling in my belly so that I know you are still doing well. I place all of these things in God’s capable hands and ask that His will be done in us again this week.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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