December 18, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 30 weeks pregnant! Oh, my sweet little babe, there’s furniture in your nursery! There are freshly washed hand-me-down clothes in the drawers of your dresser! Soon there will be paint on the walls! I cannot believe how fast time is flying in this pregnancy and that you will be here in just a few months. In so many ways, I’m beyond ready to do this mom thing. I’m ready to hold you and change your diapers and feed you and rock you to sleep at night. I’m ready to watch you grow and learn and laugh and play and dream. I have been praying for God to make me a mom for as long as I can remember, and now those prayers are so close to coming to fruition! I simply cannot wait.
In other ways, though, I’m starting to feel the anxiety creep in. Your momma has a low pain tolerance, and I’m so anxious about labor and delivery. I’ve started an online course to help myself be better prepared, but I’m honestly so afraid that I won’t be able to do it. I try to imagine myself in labor for hours or even days and I feel a little panicked! One of the test I had done while trying to become a mom was the most horrific pain I’ve ever felt in my life- I almost passed out. How am I going to endure that for such a long time?!
I get nervous when I think about feeding and pumping. Like, how do you even do it? Ha! I’m planning to find some online resources to help me prepare for that as well, but it certainly feels overwhelming and I’m already feeling that mommy guilt, and you’re not even here yet. What if I don’t produce enough milk? What if I can’t figure out how to do it correctly? Is this the next way my body will fail me at being a mother? I just want to be able to take care of you, and I know that no matter how you are fed, you will be healthy and strong. But there’s so much to worry about while you are waiting for the little human life that you have to keep alive once it gets here and I’m starting to feel the weight of that sometimes.
And of course, while your nursery has a crib and a dresser in it, it is far from being ready for you. We still need a mattress, we’ll be waiting for the glider for at least another month and a half, the walls need painted, and all of our Christmas gifts need to be given out so I can get them out of your room. But this part, I’m feeling excitement for. I’ve been planning your nursery in my mind for years, and I’m so excited to bring that design to life over the next couple of months so that when you get here, you have a lovely little space all your own. I’m very much into these nesting hormones- I need them to stick around after you arrive because I’d get so many more housekeeping projects done with them!!
The tension between my anxiety and excitement for all the remaining preparations to make for you can be draining at times, so I just keep handing everything over to God. I ask Him for strength when I’m exhausted, for peace when I’m anxious, and for comfort when I’m overwhelmed. He always delivers in droves of joy, because no matter how many things may key up my nerves, I know at the end of all of this, you will be here and He will have blessed us beyond measure. He will guide me into motherhood and that I will handle everything it throws my way as best as I can. There’s no way I can be prepared for every last thing that could possibly happen, so I have to trust that He will lead me through all the unknowns and equip me for those things when the time comes.
Today, you are as big as a zucchini. You are measuring almost 16 inches and weigh almost 3 pounds! You’ll gain a half a pound and half an inch every week until you are born. Your eyesight is improving every week, your skin is smoothing out, and your brain is getting more wrinkly. You're developing a stronger immune system, too. That layer of baby fat continues to develop and regulate your body temperature. Meanwhile, momma is dealing with more back pain- mostly from sitting all day teaching virtually- and tossing and turning at night. Trips to the bathroom get more and more frequent, and it’s hard to take a deep breath, even when I’m sitting around doing nothing. But for the most part, pregnancy is still pretty easy for me- I’m enjoying this season and cherish each moment that I feel you squirming in my belly. I’m so grateful to God for allowing me a smooth pregnancy so far after everything we’ve been through to get here. I pray He will continue to bless me in this way, and that He will keep allowing you to grow strong and healthy. I place another week in His hands and ask Him to continuing doing His will in our lives.
I love you little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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