October 9, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant! How in the world did we get to the halfway point already, little one?? I cannot believe all that’s happened and all we’ve been through in the last 5 months- more like 3 years- to get to this point! The weeks seem to click by faster each week, and that is both exciting for me (because I cannot wait to hold you in my arms) and terrifying (there is SO much to do!!). Your daddy and I accomplished something big this week- we named you! We have a name picked out for if you are a girl, and another one if you are a boy. We are mostly keeping them to ourselves until you arrive, but I love them both so much. They make you a part of our family, with names found in our family tree, and they also have special meaning for all we have been through to bring you into this world. You’ll carry the honor of being our Rainbow Baby forever, and that makes me so happy to honor God’s blessing in this way.
It has been a wild week for us, so I hope you are cozy and comfy in my belly and not feeling too much of the stress I’m under. Your dad and I drove to Pennsylvania this past weekend to visit with your dad’s best friend. This pregnant body of mine does NOT like sitting in the car for long stretches of time, especially when I have to drive. But your dad had another scare this weekend with elevated heart rate and trouble breathing- while we were driving home of course- so mom got behind the wheel to let your daddy try to rest. We had to stop a lot more than usual to get out of the car so he could get fresh air, so we got home very late that night. Your dad has since been to the doctor- no answers yet, just doing tests and treating symptoms. I know in the grand scheme of things, your daddy is going to be okay, but I’m worried about him. We have been fighting to grow our family so that we can do it as a team, and I want that to be the case when you get here in 5 months.
Things with mom’s work are getting squirrelier by the day. For your mom, who is a planner and an organizer to the MAX, it is hard to function in an environment where I don’t know what next week will look like. So much about my job and our financial situation are all up in the air right now, and that is making things uncomfortable for me. But I had a conversation with your grandma yesterday that helped me put some major perspective on why God has added this to my plate right now. He’s trying to break my reliance on living and dying by my plans and my schedule. You’d have thought that struggle with infertility would have done that, but I notice myself still clinging to that need even now. But little baby, when you come out and rock our world, all plans and schedules will be right out the window! I need to relinquish that to God now so that I’m ready for all that disruption in the best way possible. God is showing me how to let go of all of these things- especially since they’re mostly out of my control anyways- and hand them over to Him. I just have to trust that He’s going to work all of this out for the best- what’s best for me and you and our little family, what’s best for my job and my colleagues and my school, and what’s best for the community as it still faces the craziness of a pandemic as we inch closer to the end of this year. God is sovereign over all of this and no schedule I cling to will solve any of the problems we are facing. Each step I take forward in trust is preparing me to do that tenfold when I’m a momma to a baby in my arms instead of one in my belly.
This week, you are the size of a banana, which is one of my post-breakfast snacks of choice right now. You have grown to 6.5 inches and 10 ounces, although I’m guessing you are bigger than that since you were measuring 10 ounces last week at our ultrasound! I can definitely tell you are growing in there, because I’ve got shortness of breath all day long- especially after I climb into bed and arrange myself on my pregnancy pillow so I can sleep more comfy at night! Your skin is forming its two distinct layers, epidermis and dermis, and you are regularly swallowing amniotic fluid to develop your breathing skills! If you’re a boy, your testes are beginning to descend already. I’m feeling what I think are little flutters and taps of your movement in my belly, but I’m still waiting for that first clear kick. I am continuing to pray that God is watching over your growth each week, and helping me maintain the stresses of our life right now so that you stay safe. I pray as He works on my trust, that He reminds me of how He’s providing for me even in the midst of all this mess. Now more than ever, I’m laying all of this in His hands and asking that He do His will for the good of everyone involved- this little baby, our family, and all my colleagues who I love so dearly.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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