October 2, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant! Oh sweet baby, we got to see you this week! Two days ago, I had my first ultrasound with the OB. I haven’t laid eyes on you since week 7, when you were a tiny little peanut with a fast flickering heartbeat. Two days ago, just shy of this 19 week marker, your daddy and I got to see how much you have grown, and my heart is just so full and amazed at all that has happened in my belly in 3 months! You look like a little person in there now! We saw your arms and legs squirming, your little mouth moving, the four chambers of your heart and the hemispheres of your brain! We even have a picture of the little imprint of your ear! Your dad and I just kept looking at each other and smiling so big at how you are growing and moving away. The last time I was at the OB’s office, the nurse struggled to keep your heartbeat within range and I guessed that you were a wiggle worm- boy was I right! The doctor found your legs and feet when she first put that wand on my belly, and almost right away she said, “Oh, there’s the belly! This kiddo is moving!” You were wiggling and flipping and rolling all over the place the whole time! Since my placenta is in the front, it will be harder for me to feel you moving around, so it was totally weird for me to see you moving like crazy on the screen and not be able to feel any of that going on. Soon enough, though, you’ll be much bigger, and I’ll know for sure what a wiggle worm you are. I can’t wait!
Each milestone I hit, things feel more and more real. My anxiety has eased so much since seeing you, and while I know that road has not ended yet- it probably never will, even when you come into this world- I’m feeling so much more ready to jump into preparing for your arrival. We stuck to our decision to be surprised about your gender when you are born, so we did not find out during our appointment. I’m ready to pick out names for you, to start cleaning out our spare bedroom for a nursery, to plan a registry and get a new car. I’m ready to buy clothes and test carseats and make crafts for your room. I have known all along that beginning these preparations would not cause anything bad to happen with this pregnancy, just like avoiding them would not ensure everything would progress smoothly. But that fear lingering at the back of my mind kept saying, “What if... Let’s wait, just in case…” It was a hard line to walk for your mom who is a planner and an organizer. Here I am, almost halfway through my pregnancy, and I suddenly feel like there’s so much to do and not enough time to do it, while up to this point I’ve been feeling like there’s plenty of time to wait until we hit the next milestone. I keep thinking I’ll feel safer when we reach that next checkpoint, but the truth is, something can happen at any time. While the odds decrease the further we get along, there are absolutely ZERO guarantees. The only certainty is that, no matter what happens, God will be with me through it all, and all of it will be worked out for good.
So no more waiting. No more hesitating. No more saying, “Let’s just wait until…” It’s time to start really getting ready for you to enter our lives. If the little wiggle worm we saw on that screen is any indication, you are going to barrel into our lives, turn everything upside, and make us into a family of three, so we better be ready for you! Right now you are the size of mango. Average measurements for this time are 6 inches and 8.5 ounces, but your measurements during our appointment have you measuring a few days ahead at almost 10 ounces. No wonder momma’s belly popped so fast! Your little brain is developing your five senses this week and if you’re a girl, you’re already growing a uterus, ovaries, and eggs that will create my future grandbabies- THAT is insane! Your cartilage is starting to harden into bones, which we got to see during our appointment! You are also developing a coating on your skin called vernix caseosa that protects from cold or heat and makes sure you are hydrated. Cool!
This week, I’m just praising God that you are healthy and safe in my belly. He’s helping you to grow and showing me how strong you are with each squirm I saw on that ultrasound. I pray that He will continue to protect you and guide your development each week. I’m thankful that I am feeling more peace and excitement this week, that I’m feeling ready to get ready for you, and that He’s providing me with the strength and comfort I need to keep battling this emotional journey of pregnancy after loss. Things at work are starting to get squirrely, so I pray He will equip me with everything I need to endure those trials and maintain my stress levels to keep you safe and healthy. I lay all of this in His hands to do His will this week.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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