September 25, 2020
To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 18 weeks pregnant! It has been quite a week, and so much has happened to ignite my anxious heart. On Tuesday evening as I was falling asleep, your daddy shook me awake to tell me something did not feel right with him. He was having trouble breathing and his heart was racing. After weighing our options and taking a quick walk outside to see if the episode would pass, we got in your dad’s truck and I started driving him to the hospital. Let me tell you, I was out of sorts. I am not comfortable driving that truck, especially at night, and I was terrified that something awful was wrong with your dad. Your dad must have sensed that pretty easily, because as we rounded a corner near the fire station 10 minutes from our house, he told me to pull in. I went inside and knocked on a door that I could hear voices behind, and some firefighters peeked out looking extremely confused. In a rush, I told them what was going on with your dad outside, and then quickly came out and hooked your dad up to a heart monitor. I stood by while they asked him questions and took readings from the machine, feeling positively useless. After about 10 minutes, an ambulance from another station rolled into the parking lot and the firefighters attending your dad said that he would need to go to the hospital since they couldn’t pinpoint what was going on- his heart rate and blood pressure were definitely elevated but his oxygen levels were good. They got your dad onto a gurney and loaded him in the back of the squad, and the EMTs directed me to call the hospital to find out if I would be able to go in, given the current pandemic that we’re still dealing with.
When I got through to the emergency room, they informed me that I would not be able to go in since it was not visiting hours, but that your dad would be able to have his phone to keep me updated, so I sent him a text to let him know I wouldn’t be able to come to the hospital and proceeded to drive home in a state of tears and nerves. I don’t think I have ever felt so helpless in my life, little one. All I could picture was your daddy in the back of a squad alone and scared about what was happening to him, and me on the other side of town not having a clue what was going on. All I could imagine was your little life in my belly having to grow up without your daddy because something terrible was happening to him. I just kept begging God to keep your daddy safe and to keep me as calm as possible so that you would be safe, too.
Thankfully, your daddy texted me just as I was getting home that he had arrived at the hospital and that his heart rate was starting to come down. Throughout the night, he updated me that bloodwork, X Rays, and EKGs were all coming back normal, and finally at 3:45am he called me that he was being discharged. I drove to pick him up and thankfully kissed him hello, alive and safe. We’re still not exactly sure what happened- the ER doctor gave him some possible theories and your dad has a follow-up appointment with his regular doctor in a few weeks. Right now, I am just so grateful that your daddy is okay and that he will be here to see you, and hold you, and love you. I have always known how much I love your daddy and how devastating it would be to lose, but to actually look that possibility square in the face is the most scared I’ve ever been. With absolutely nothing I could do, I just prayed with all my might that he would be okay, and I praise God that His hand of protection was on all of us that night.
That feeling of helplessness has lingered the rest of this week, and I feel it seeping into my mind when it comes to you, my sweet babe. It has been almost 5 weeks since I last heard your heart beat, and almost 13 since we got to see you are a tiny little peanut. On Wednesday, I will be having my first ultrasound with the OB to scan your anatomy to get measurements and make sure you are growing just as you should be. I am feeling my anxiety again as we near that appointment, wondering if everything is safe and healthy in my belly. Just as I couldn’t bear to think about living this life without your daddy, I can’t bear to imagine what I will do if something is wrong or if we don’t hear that pounding heartbeat this time. I know that no matter what happens, God will be with me and will surround me with His love and comfort, but I just don’t want that to even be an option at this point. I feel utterly helpless, knowing that one way or the other, there’s nothing about this that is in my control. All I can do is hold onto God, pray that He is continuing to protect you and allow you to grow healthy and strong, and trust that whatever happens, God’s plan IS for my good and His glory.
Right now, you are the size of an artichoke, measuring five and a half inches and weight close to 7 ounces. Your rapid growth is making mommy hungry all the time! You are developing finger and toe prints that are uniquely yours and your ability to hear is increasing- you can be startled by loud noises! Your eyelids are still fused shut but your eyeballs are moving all around. You are yawning, swallowing, hiccuping and kicking, although I can’t tell if some of the jabs I’m feeling are you or round ligament pain. I’m still waiting for that first, definitive kick. I pray that, as this week progresses, God will be near me to ease my anxiety, to give me peace and comfort that a healthy pregnancy is in His plan for us. I pray that He will protect you as I return to my school building for two weeks of technology practice before my students start filling my classroom again. I pray that He will protect your daddy as he goes about work this week, that he will continue to feel more like himself and that he remains safe until he can see his doctor for more answers and guidance. I declare over this little family, this life that God has given me, that Satan’s lies will not control me this week, that his whispers in my mind that dreg up my anxious thoughts will not prevail, and that I will speak God’s truth over myself, my husband, and my little Rainbow Baby: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28
God, do Your will in our lives this week. Amen.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby.
Love, Mommy
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