April 22, 2021
To my Rainbow Baby, Henry,
Today, you are ten weeks old! You’re officially in double digits!! Time is going warp speed and I’m looking at the calendar realizing I only have 3 weeks of maternity leave left. I’m already dreading having to leave you for 8 hours a day, even if I only have to do it for 9 days when my leave ends. Getting to spend my days with you has been the highlight of my life, even if we just hang out at home and snuggle in the Boba wrap while Mommy does laundry. I never have to miss a big moment as you grow and change, and when I go back to work, I know that may happen and I’m not excited about it. So I’m gonna keep snuggling you and soaking up this time every single day because I know the next 3 weeks will fly by, and so will the summer. It will be August before we know it, and then I’ll be back to work full time. I’m going to make every day of this time count!
You had a new adventure this week- we took you to a restaurant while we went out to eat with your Gammaw and Pup Pup for his and Mommy’s birthdays. You did awesome!! You slept for the first hour or so that we were there, then got a little fussy because you wanted to eat. Once we gave you a bottle you were content until you decided it was time to detonate your diaper! Haha… Your first trip to a restaurant gave Mommy her first experience changing a blow-up in public, which was super fun for her! We have another adventure this weekend, taking you out of town for the first time. We’ll be driving 3 hours to Pittsburgh, staying in a hotel, and visiting Pup Pup’s family for our make-up Christmas and to celebrate Aunt Mimi and Uncle Tony’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. I’m so excited for you to start meeting family in person. These visits are so important in our family, and I know everyone is going to love on you so much!
Speaking of Mommy’s birthday, it’s also this weekend, and because of that, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about getting older with this new perspective as a mom. When I was in college and freshly graduated, I loved my birthday. I would spend whole weeks celebrating, even up until Mommy and Daddy got married. The first year we were dating, your daddy and I literally had four days of celebration for my 29th birthday. Even though I dreaded turning 30, we still did a lot of celebrating. It wasn’t until after I got married that my desire to celebrate started to dissipate. Each year that went by without the hope of a baby to grow our family made me hate my birthday more and more. Not only was it a year that felt wasted (even though that’s not really true), it also added to my fear that I might never have a baby because my eggs were getting older and harder to use to get pregnant. In 2019 when I turned 34, I told your dad I didn’t even want to acknowledge that it was my birthday, I was so depressed and anxious about getting older and still not having a baby. Then last year, in the midst of a pandemic when so many people were laminating birthdays without big celebrations because no one could gather, another shift occurred. Our embryo transfer was delayed, but I found a renewed sense of hope for turning 35 and taking another journey around the sun. You were a little snowflake at the time, and I knew there was a possibility that this next year of my life could mean a pregnancy and finally becoming a mom. For the first time in a while, I had a positive outlook on the possibility. On that day, I didn’t know when the doctor would be able to finally put you in my tummy, but I knew that when he did, everything could change for our family.
I didn’t really think of it this way at the time, but looking back I realize I was already your mommy when I turned 35. You weren’t in my belly yet but you were very much the beginnings of the little boy you are right this moment. A few weeks after I turned 35, a doctor put you in my womb and you continued your process of growing and developing, and what I hoped to be true about my 35th came to fruition. It was a hard year to be sure- a pandemic, social and political strife, hardships at work, all while navigating a pregnancy and preparing to be a mom- but as I reflected on at the New Year, it was the year of my life that brought me you and I will always cherish my 35th trip around the sun.
As I look ahead to turning 36, I have a new perspective on my birthday. I know that with each birthday that goes by, you will continue to grow and learn and change. That’s a bittersweet though, especially as I start counting off the days until I go back to work. I’m constantly in a tug of war between wanting you to stay as little as you are and not get so big so fast, and wanting to see all those wonderful milestones where you discover yourself and the world around you. When I turn 37 next year, you will be a year old! Walking? Talking? What will your voice sound like? How will I keep up with my wild wiggle worm once you get mobile? I’m already dreading you being so grown already, and yet so excited to see it happen. So as I navigate this 36th trip around the sun as a new mom, I pray that God will give me peace as time flies by- that is inevitable. I pray that He will help me soak in and enjoy each moment, harboring excitement for the future without rushing towards it. I pray that He will fill this year with beautiful memories for our family, and that He will keep you safe and healthy as you continue to grow. I pray that He will allow the three of us to enjoy each day with gratitude for all that He has given us, and I anticipate His blessings on our lives.
I love you, little Rainbow Henry.
Love, Mommy
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