To my Rainbow Baby,
Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant! It has been a rough week for your mommy, physically and emotionally. My nausea is the worst it has been throughout my pregnancy so far. Most of what I have read says that the peak of morning sickness is between 8 and 10 weeks, so I am hoping this is the last hoorah before things start to wind down, especially since I am returning to work in 3 days (more on that later). Each time the nausea sweeps over me and my stomach threatens- or succeeds- at losing its contents, I try to remember that it is because my hormones are raging to make everything perfect and safe for you, so that you can grow healthy and strong. When I get to the end of all the discomforts of pregnancy, when I hold you in my arms, it will all be worth it. Sometimes, it’s hard to be grateful in the middle of such miserable sickness, but I’m hanging in there!
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster this week, too. Preparing to return to work- right now just mentally- is very taxing, and my hormonal mood swings do not help me remain calm all the time. There is still so much uncertainty about how my school district will be handling this year, yet I’m supposed to officially be working on Monday. The planner in me is beside herself- I’ve done almost nothing to get ready because I still don’t know for sure what I’m going to be teaching and in what capacity it will be! At this point in the summer, I would have the first few weeks mapped out, I would have made a school supply shopping trip, I would have my classroom set-up… At least that last one I know I won’t have to do for a while, if at all. So the uncertainty is definitely hard for your mommy to take, especially when I think about the harm that could come to us both as I return to my school building.
But there have been some emotional triumphs too, which I attribute to God and His amazing Holy Spirit. Last week’s letter was written in the midst of my attending the She Speaks online conference, in the hopes of finding inspiration and guidance for how God wants me to share this journey we are on. The conference ended on Saturday night, and I spent the afternoon with God on Sunday, praying and talking and writing about what I felt He had laid on my heart. What came out of that time was this calling statement:
Encouraging, inspiring, and restoring women in pregnancy after miscarriage and loss to reclaim the joy that anxiety has stolen from them.
Since it’s still early in my pregnancy, I’m not ready to go public with this quite yet, but ideas are starting to solidify for the messages I want to share with other mommies on this same journey. I am so grateful that God has stayed faithful during this process- through all the doubt and anger and grief and frustration of pregnancy loss and infertility, He pursued me and softened my heart so that I could take my relationship with Him deeper than I have ever gone before. I would not have the joy I feel towards this pregnancy without His unfailing love for me, and I am so humbled that He would call me to share this message with others. I pray He continues to keep His Kingdom at the forefront of my message, and that He will allow the Holy Spirit to work in me as I begin this journey.
Today, you are as big as a lime- almost 2 inches! Your brain is developing left and right hemispheres; will you be creative and art-driven like your mom, or logical and numbers-driven like your dad? You have a tiny little nose that is already developing a sense of smell; I wonder if you’ll get its shape from your mom or your dad? Your fingers and toes are starting to separate and lose their webbing, too. To most people, I probably look like I had one too many tacos for dinner, but I can see a definite bump on my belly where you are growing! I ordered my first round of new clothes to get me started for school; there’s no way my current pants will zip!
This week, I ask that God takes care of you as my daily schedule makes a dramatic shift. I am so grateful to Him that this first chunk of my pregnancy happened while I was on summer break, relaxing and safe at home. Now that the stressors in my life are changing, I pray that He will protect you from harm and keep you safe and healthy. I pray that He will help me stay calm and provide comfort as I deal with so many unknowns. I pray that my pregnancy symptoms will be manageable at work, and that He will give me the strength I need to get through this first week back. As always, I put both of our lives in His hands and ask that He do His will in us.
I love you, little Rainbow Baby
Love, Mommy
Comments
Post a Comment