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August 14, 2020


To my Rainbow Baby,


Today, I am 12 weeks pregnant! Your mommy has not been this exhausted so far in this pregnancy! I went back to work on Monday, and it was a big adjustment. I have not had to go to my school building to work since March 12th, which was the day before I had my egg retrieval that ultimately led to you! On March 12th, the governor announced that schools would be shutting down for 3 weeks, in the hopes that communities could get a handle on this pandemic. I began working for home to run my classes online, praying that I would see my students face-to-face again soon. We never returned to our buildings to finish the school year together. Almost 5 months to the day later, I returned to work in my class knowing that it would not be filled with students any time soon, but it was nice to have a bit of normalcy by getting up and going into school each day. But after 5 days of that, I am BEAT! I almost fell asleep doing some yoga when I got home this afternoon! Work is going to be much more mentally and physically draining this year, and not just because my body is working hard to grow you healthy and strong! Sitting behind a screen all day for virtual meetings is way more tiring than you’d think! I pray God continues to strengthen and energize me as I return to work, because I am surely going to need His strength to make it through this craziness!


While I had a draining week with work, God is energizing me in other areas of my life right now, specifically the plans He has placed on my heart to share our journey with others. After attending that writing conference a few weeks ago and brainstorming a pile of ideas for getting started, I didn’t make any more moves to begin this work. I do not want to put anything out there too early- there is a part of me that is still very fearful of losing you because of my past trauma. But God started whispering to me that I needed to take a step of faith this week, trusting that He will guide this plan, which includes you. So this week I began reaching out to some women I know who have been or are currently on the same journey that we are- experiencing pregnancy in the wake of a loss. I shared with them my plan for this project and asked them to engage in some conversation with me about their own experiences. While I know much of this journey is a common experience that no one talks about out of fear or shame or anger, no two stories are identical. So I want to make sure that I don’t just speak about my own experience, but that I speak into the experiences of other women who are facing this journey, too. I want to normalize talking about pregnancy loss; I don’t want women to feel shamed into secrecy, to believe that they are alone in their feelings and experiences. The truth is, pregnancy loss is a big sisterhood that no one wants to be a part of, but we should be lifting up our sisters when they join our ranks, not pushing them into the darkness of silence. So I need to have these conversations in order to reach a variety of emotions, experiences, and pains. I have already seen God moving in huge ways, feeling fulfilled, uplifted, inspired, and validated by the stories of the women I’ve spoken with. I am amazed that God is already blessing this endeavor immensely, and I pray that He makes me worthy to share this message.


Today, you are the size of a plum, measuring just over 2 inches long and weighing just half an ounce. You pretty much have all of your important organs already! You are breathing, swallowing, and even having the hiccups. Your legs are getting longer each day and you are developing tiny fingerprints. This week, I’m asking God to keep you safe and healthy in my belly as my stress over work hits full measure, and that He will keep me at peace when I feel overwhelmed with all the new things I need to do and learn. I pray that He will keep my anxieties of being back at school during this pandemic to a minimum, and that He will keep me safe from all the harms that could come from this disease. I am still two weeks away from my first appointment with the doctor at my OB’s office, so I pray that God will help me cling to joy over the next 14 days, and that He would give me the strength to squash my fears with His truth. Lord, do Your will in all of this this week.


I love you, little Rainbow Baby


Love, Mommy 

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