Noah's Rainbow

  Listen to this post here      I went through a phase during my struggle with infertility where I was striving for perfection in my quiet time. I am typically working on a Bible Study or a devotional or a reading plan, and during that time I would be incredibly diligent about keeping to the schedule of whatever I was working on. If I missed a day or two, I would double and triple up to make sure I was still on track. While having a daily quiet time is so important for our relationship with God, I had gotten to a point where it wasn’t about spending time with Him. It was about checking a box in order to earn God’s approval. I had begun to think that if I was staying perfectly on schedule with my studying, God would be proud of me and reward me with what my heart desired: a baby. This behavior wasn’t really anything new for me. I have always been the type of person that puts 100% into everything I’m working on in life. I put 100% into my job, into my marriage, into ...

  Listen to this post here      Throughout my journey with infertility and pregnancy loss, I had to consciously make the decision to feel and express gratitude. It was so easy to do the exact opposite: look around at those around me, those I followed on social media, even strangers I encountered out in the world, and feel envious. I felt envious when I saw someone pregnant, when someone I knew announced the arrival of a new baby, when I was invited to a baby shower. I would wonder why that person was so much more deserving of a baby than I was, why they were allowed to get pregnant so easily while I couldn’t, why they got to grow their family two, three, even four times before I even was blessed with one child. In my anxiety about having a baby, I found myself focusing on what I didn’t have, and that led to negative feelings towards those who had what I wanted. I’m embarrassed to say I judged people somewhat harshly, finding them undeserving or less deserving than I ...

  Listen to this post here      I love to capture memories. Our family has a shared album for pictures of our son; we drop pictures into it whenever we take them, so that those who are far away can still see what he’s up to and how much he’s growing. This past spring, we had to start a new shared album, because Apple limits those albums to 5000 pictures, and we had reached that with the first one. The majority of the pictures in those albums are from me. When I was making a baby book for pictures of his first year on Shutterfly, I had to split the year into two books because the first 6 months ended up taking up 100 pages, which is the max that Shutterfly will let you create. I definitely wasn’t going to just use less pictures. Timehop is one of my favorite apps on my phone. Everyday, it creates memories for me from my camera roll and social media accounts, and these memories now remind me how little he was last year, as well as all the milestones he hit as he gr...

  Listen to this post here     I remember very distinctly the car drive home from the doctor’s office after my 20 week scan when I was pregnant with my Rainbow Baby. Justin had taken pictures and videos of the ultrasound screen during my appointment, and my OB had given me a handful of printouts as well. I snapped pictures of several of them and sent them off to friends and family, and then we each called our moms. I chatted happily with my mom, telling her how amazing it was to see our baby moving all around, barely holding still long enough for the doctor to grab the pictures she needed (not much has changed!). I told her that the doctor said everything looked perfect and the baby was measuring right on track. My mom echoed my pleasure to hear that everything was wonderful with this little miracle baby and then she ended the phone call by asking, “Can we finally start buying things?” This question succinctly summed up the first half of my pregnancy. I was alw...